


In Which She Makes a Friend

by bookstantrash



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Flirting, F/M, Flirting, Friendship, Healing, Mental Health Issues, Minor Violence, Mutual Pining, Original Character(s), POV Cassian (ACoTaR), POV Nesta Archeron, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Soft Cassian (ACoTaR), Soft Nesta Archeron
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:00:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 29,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29607726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookstantrash/pseuds/bookstantrash
Summary: When Nesta Archeron is sent to Illyria by her younger sister Feyre, the last thing she expected was to make a friend, specially one with quite the secrets surrounding them.New friendships, healing and a bit of romace... Nesta's journey has just began.
Relationships: Nesta Archeron & Emerie, Nesta Archeron/Cassian
Comments: 12
Kudos: 30





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> This is an idea that has been living inside my mind for a really long time and I finally gathered courage to write it. But I’m a bit of a perfectionist, and every time I read and edited it I always found more and more faults in what I had written. So I said “To hell with this, I’m gonna post it before I delete the whole thing”.  
> I hope you like it.

After almost three months living in Illyria, Nesta could not recall a single conversation that had lasted for more than three minutes or that had been longer than two sentences. Not that she cared much in holding meaningless conversations about the weather and whatnot with the few Illyrians bold enough to talk to her. Because few were those that tried to talk to her, those that were not scared of her, whose voices did not whisper Other or Witch whenever she bothered to leave the house she now lived in.

So when Nesta sat on the lonely stone bench in front the house – the weather had given a break and gone from _“insufferable bone cold”_ to _“tolerable chilly”_ – to try and calm the raging fire in her veins, a sign that her power was trying to break free, a sign that she was close to breaking and destroying everything around her, she was very much surprised to find an Illyrian child walking towards her.

It was not unusual to have a few Illyrians knocking on the door sometimes, given that she now lived with _him_ due to her sister’s order long ago in Velaris. But since her babysitter had gone to Cauldron knows where, to do Cauldron knows what a week ago, no one had come knocking on the door asking for that overgrown bat. Adding the fact that his house was a little secluded from the rest, Nesta could not imagine why that child was coming over.

“Good…good evening” the Illyrian greeted, stopping in front of her.

“He’s not here” Nesta said, eyeing the child in front of her. The boy – Nesta supposed it was a boy, not older than thirteen, with its short cut curly brown hair, bandaged hands, muddied clothes and scar free wings being the only clue she had – shifted nervously on his feet.

“I…I’m not looking for the General” the boy said “I heard there was a Witch living here. I take you are her”

For the second time of that day Nesta found herself surprised. The boy in front of her had called her a Witch in her face, something most did not.

“I wanted to ask for a spell” the boy’s voice had lost a bit of it’s previous nervousness, and he had squared his shoulders, wings slightly flaring “I don’t have much, but I’m ready to give anything in return”

 _‘You can’t possible have anything to give me’_ Nesta thought, glancing at his ripped and dirty clothes.

“I’m no Witch” Nesta said, getting up and turning her back at the kid, making for the house’s door “Go back to your parents”

~•~

The next day, when Nesta was coming back from a walk in the woods – there was something about the ancient trees and the wilderness that helped her control her inner turmoil — she was baffled to see yesterday’s boy waiting for her.

“I’m sorry for yesterday” the boy blurted out before she could send him away “I didn’t want to offend you. I’m Kaelin”

Nesta’s only answer was a blink.

“I…I only said you were a Witch because that’s what the others said you were” Kaelin’s ears turned pink, no doubt embarrassed to admit listening to gossip.

“I don’t blame you” she said, and Kaelin’s eyes lit in surprise.

No. Nesta did not blame the boy for thinking her a Witch. Because long ago, before the war, before the empt void inside her was as big as the ocean, before she heard her father’s neck crack, she had declared to that annoying camp lord Devlon that she indeed was a Witch. But now, even though her powers were as loud as a beast’s roar in her ears, she did not want to touch them. _Could not touch them._

And nothing, not even the hopeful look in Kaelin’s light brown eyes, would make her touch the wild beast that lived within her. She would not give the boy false hope. She would not fail another child. Not again. Not ever.

“If you have problems maybe you’d better tell your parents about it, instead of reaching for witchcraft”

After all, even thirteen year old Illyrians must have foolish mistakes that they would rather not tell their parents about.

“I don’t have parents. At least not anymore” Kaelin’s hard and sorrowful voice was enough to make Nesta resist prying further into his problem.

“I see” was the only thing she said, and she once again turned her back at him, entering that lonely and sad cabin, even though she was feeling rather inclined to talk, a feeling she had not felt for the longest time.

~•~

Kaelin appeared on Nesta’s door three days later, with a black eye, bruised cheek and a split lip that didn’t stop him from smiling and giving her something wrapped in brown paper.

“I thought about it and I realised that my apology was lacking” he started talking non stop, not giving Nesta a chance to say anything except gape at him and the gift on her hands “Father always said to treat everyone nicely, unless they were rude to you. He said it was what mother believed in”

Nesta could only nod and unwrap the paper to discover a pair of gloves.

“Did you steal them?” She asked, connecting the dots between the gloves she held — surely way out of the kid’s status of affordable — and his beaten face.

“No!” Kaelin replied, a bitterness in his voice “I know I’m just a lowly orphan but I’d never take something from another one in such an unhonoured way”

Nesta just grossed her arms, waiting for his explanation.

“One of the boys from the high families arrived at training with new boots” he gave a sly smile “I fought him for them”

“You did what?” Nesta’s voice rose and she was holding herself back from shaking the boy until he was back into his right mind.

“Fighting between Illyrians is not prohibited. But it’s best if you don’t get caught” Kaelin replied, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Nesta felt her temper rising.

“You. Come with me” she grabbed Kaelin’s arm and took him inside before he could protest.

She made him sit on sofa in the living room while she went searching for the medic supplies she was sure Cassian had. Once she found it, she went back to Kaelin and started treating his cuts, mumbling the entire time about how stupid and reckless boys were.

“This is nice” he said, wincing slight when Nesta touched his bruised cheek.

“What is nice?”

“Having someone take care of you” he answered “I… I didn’t know my mom. She died shortly after I was born. Father said she was quite fragile”

Nesta trying to not let show how his words affected her. She remembered another woman, dying in a lonely bed just a few years after her youngest child had been born.

“He died in the last war. Against Hybern” he practically spat the late king’s name, hate filling every syllable.

Nesta finished treating him and started organising the materials, to keep herself busy and have an excuse to buy time to know what to answer him. She had never been good at consoling others. And she didn’t know why, but she was afraid her bluntness would end up hurting Kaelin.

“He was a hero” he said firmly, his eyes shining with defiance “He may have been just a mere foot soldier but he was at the front line, keeping Hybern’s forces back”

“I’m sure he was” Nesta replied, trying not to think about who may have said otherwise to him, hurting a child who had nothing “But would he like to see his son picking meaningless fights?”

“It was to get you a gift” Kaelin looked down and poked at the sofa “I’m sure he’d have understood. Besides, I have to fight and stand out if I want to have a shot at the Rite”

“You mean the Blood Rite? I thought everyone participated” Nesta had gathered little information about the Illyrians for the time she had been living in Illyria. There were no libraries, no bookstores, and the books Cassian had about the Illyrian culture and history were scarce and outdated.

“The very one. You are not obligated to become a warrior, but that’s the path most of male Illyrians take. Not that we have many options to begin with” Kaelin’s voice had became serious “Most of the males from the richer families are bound to participate, but the rest…. we end up being mere foot soldiers. Expendable. So no point in making us take part in it.”

At his words, Nesta could not help but think about Cassian. He too was an orphan but had risen to be Rhysand’s Commander and had seven siphons. From what she had heard and seen at the war, that was rather unusual.

“It’s worse for females” Kaelin added quietly.

She knew that. Saw how females were treated on the rare times she got out of the cabin. A scarce number trained. And she did not know a lot about training, but was sure it was not near enough to make them part of the Illyrian army. Or even defend themselves were the worst to happen.

Nesta opened her mouth to say Cauldron knows what — she had to say _something_ , she could not let the boy leave with such dark thoughts — when a loud noise interrupted her.

It was a sound Nesta knew quite well from her time as a human living in a shabby cottage.

A sound she had become reacquainted with after being Made. After that day at the battle field.

The sound of hungriness. The sound of someone who was starving, and had been so for quite a while.

And it was coming from Kaelin.

The Illyrian boy beside her blushed a deep scarlet, trying — and failing — to come up with an excuse. But Nesta knew better. She knew the signs of starvation. Saw them in herself. Had seen it in her younger sisters, when they were not older than Kaelin.

Thin wrists. Sunken eyes. Cheekbones way too sharp. Up close Nesta could properly examine Kaelin and notice that the boy was all bones and little muscle, his skinny built not a consequence of slow metabolism to gain weight, but rather the fact that he did not have enough sustenance to make it possible.

“I have way too much food stocked here. I was supposed to be living with an adult warrior that can eat for five people “ Nesta began, cutting Kaelin’s blabbering “It would be a crime to let it all get wasted”

Leaving him no window to reply, she took hold of his arm, hauling him towards the kitchen and making him to sit down while she gathered whatever food she came across. And she had enough fire in her eyes — she may or may not have lost a little bit of control of her powers due to her racing emotions — that Kaelin did not dare say a word, but just sit quietly and eat what was put in front of him.

~•~

Nesta’s routine had suffered a slight change after that evening. For the past month and a half, Kaelin had been having a meal with her after his training. Every day.

She had made sure to make it clear that she was expecting a visit from him after his activities were over.

He did not dare argue with her.

Today, however, was an unusual day.

Kaelin was late.

Almost two hours late.

Nesta had come to know Illyrian boy better, and one thing she learned about him was that he _detested_ to be late. For him, his promises and commitment were everything, reminding her of another Illyrian she knew – which had not come back in two months. _Not_ that she _missed_ or was _worried_ about him.

She tried and failed to convince herself that Kaelin may have been held back by training. But she did not know why she felt a strange feeling. Her powers were restless, more so than usual.

The air and the trees around her seemed different.

She felt it deeply in her bones.

As if the Cauldron itself — hidden far far away in a island that did not exist in any map ever written — dreaded whatever future thread the Mother was knitting.

As if something had been woken.

As if the winds of change had gone from a light breeze to a tornado, ready to wreak havoc in Illyria.

Nesta could not hold herself back any longer. She _needed_ to know what was happening. To know if that strange song that spoke of a power strong and ancient was connected to Kaelin tardiness.

So into the woods she went.

She walked and walked, until the song in her ears got louder and a new sound appeared, a sound she would not be able to hear were it not for her fae ears.

The sound of someone whimpering.

Quickening her steps, Nesta followed the cries of pain until the wall of trees around her gave way to a small clearing.

And there, lying curled up in a ball, was Kaelin.

“KAELIN!”

Nesta ran towards him, falling on her knees beside his body.

“What happened? Did somebody hurt you?” she smelled blood, and feared the Illyrian whose boots he had “won” had gone after him for payback.

Her mind was racing, her thoughts overlapping themselves. She recalled another winged body, laying on the ground. She recalled another child, crying in pain due to its empty stomach, who had not seen food for weeks.

She would not fail anyone ever again. That had been her promise to herself.

“Kaelin…” Nesta slowly touched his arm, trying to soothe him “Talk to me. Tell me where it hurts”

Kaelin whimpered, slowly uncurling his body and tucking his wings. He clutched his abdomen, and Nesta dared to try and touch her power.

She would touch that dangerous beast if that meant she could help the young boy in front of her.

And so she tentatively reached inside herself for that source, trying to recall if any training she’d had with Amren may assist her in the current situation.

She scanned Kaelin’s body, and that’s when she noticed the small drops of blood beneath him. But her powers had not detected any wounds. No, he was not hurt.

However, she finally found the origin of the bleeding. And Nesta momentarily lost her breath.

Because she knew the reason why Kaelin was in pain.

“You are not a boy” she breathed.

Kaelin was a girl.

A girl who had had her first period.

A girl who was passing as a boy. Training like one.

And when Kaelin finally meet Nesta’s eyes, brown eyes shining with tears, she cursed the Mother for whatever future thread she had knitted.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaelin tells her past to Nesta, who makes a decision regarding herself and her new friend.

Nesta remained frozen beside Kaelin’s body for what seemed an eternity. Seconds that felt more like hours went by until her mind finally snapped back to reality.

She could not give herself the luxury of freaking out right now. She needed to be practical. She needed to help Kaelin.

The sky was beginning to get dark and Nesta knew they had to get out of the forest _fast_. She recalled Cassian’s warning the first day she had arrived.

To never wander in the forest at dark, for the beasts which roamed them at nightfall made Hybern’s monsters at the war seem like child’s play.

“Kaelin. Listen to me. I’m going to help you” Nesta said, and Kaelin only whimpered as another wave of pain came “But we have to leave”

“It hurts” the young girl managed to say, tears streaming down her face “I can’t— can’t move”

Nesta eyed Kaelin’s figure. She was way too skinny for a thirteen year old standards, even if she’d been having regular meals for the past month.

But Nesta didn’t think she’d have the strength to carry her.

 _She_ had not eaten a proper meal in months.

Did not exercise.

_You’re too heavy._

The memory of herself trying to raise another body from the ground came to mind, and she gritted her teeth to avoid screaming.

Once again, she was powerless.

This time, however, she would not lay on the ground.

She would rise. Even if her miserable bones broke beneath Kaelin’s weight.

“I’ll carry you, but you’ll have to help me” Nesta slowly sit Kaelin up, and looked straight in her eyes “Can you be strong for me now? I need you to move just enough to get on my back”

Kaelin nodded weakly and, panting, did what she was told.

Grabbing the girl’s legs in a firm hold, Nesta bit her cheek and got up, her knees screaming in protest.

“Okay ” she breathed, silently praying her body could hold on long enough to make the ten minute walk back to the cabin “I’m going to move now, so brace yourself”

She took a step forward and had to muster all her strength to not fall down with Kaelin. She remembered giving piggy back rides to Elain when she little — before her mother had deemed it _unladylike_ and punished her. A long time had passed since then. She had been stronger and Elain did not have wings to add to her weight as Kaelin had.

But Nesta focused on the action of putting one foot after the other, her breaths coming in pants, willing her legs to keep moving.

‘ _Almost there’_ she thought as she slowly made her back _‘Just keep moving. It’s not that far’_

She repeated that over and over in hopes to distract her body. Her arms were trembling and her tights burned, yet she kept her pace.

After what seemed an eternity, Nesta finally spotted the cabin’s familiar rooftop. She almost sighed in relief.

Awkwardly opening the door and closing it shut with her foot, she went to her room, trying to lay Kaelin down on her bed as smoothly as possible.

She tried to regain her breath. Cauldron, how her back hurt.

Kaelin had curled up again, and was clenching her stomach so hard Nesta wondered if she was actually trying to claw her way into her own body so she could rip her ovaries out.

“I’ll be right back” Nesta said, smoothing some hair from Kaelin’s forehead.

She went to the kitchen, searching for something that would calm the poor girl’s pain. Nesta had not had her period as a fae yet —the huge amounts of alcohol and lack of food in the last year were probably the reason why — but remembered how it was when she used to be a human. She’d get horrible headaches and just lay down all day waiting for the pain to go away. She could only imagine how dreadful the experience must be for the fae.

Getting hold of some ginger, she put water in a kettle to prepare some tea, hoping Kaelin would be able to at least drink it. After that, she went into the shared bathroom between her room and Cassian’s.

And stopped right in front of the bathtub.

She still had trouble taking baths.

Had grown used to her old and deplorable bathtub back in her shabby apartment in Velaris.

And when she had arrived and came face to face with a bathtub big enough to accommodate wings, its dark stone a stark reminder of the Cauldron… she had frozen up. Refused to enter it. Even now, after months living in Cassian’s cabin, she could not stomach the ideia of doing it.

So she waited until Cassian left for his training and took a bucket to wash herself. It was a long process and rather difficult to wash her hair, but at least she could stay clean.

Yet, she could not do the same with Kaelin. The girl was sweaty and dirty with blood. And Nesta knew that a hot bath would do wonders to the cramps, relaxing her.

Raising her chin as if battling an invisible enemy, she got near the bathtub for the first time, turning the faucet and letting it be filled with hot water. Her heartbeat quickened as the water rose and rose, her powers a volcano in her veins, and she had to close her fists tight enough to hurt to not shatter the whole bathroom.

 _‘It’s not the Cauldron. It’s not the Cauldron’_ reaching a tentative hand, she dipped it in the water to check the temperature _‘This water is hot. The Cauldron’s was cold. They are not the same’_

Nesta turned the faucet off, and some tension eased off from her shoulders. Looking around the bathroom, she located the camomile oil Cassian kept. She had once heard it helped ease the soreness of the muscles after extensive training.

Putting it in the water, she found herself feeling a bit guilty for using it. It was not hers. Nothing in that house was. But Cassian was not here, and she doubted he’d notice that the little flask was missing some of its content.

She went back to her bedroom, and helped Kaelin take her leathers and tunic off, as she did with the band the girl had wrapped around her breasts, as small as they still were. Only thirteen, the period in which her body was slowly maturing, yet she was going through those body changes alone. The danger of being found out hanging around her neck like a rope.

Nesta tried not to flinch at the sight of the purple bruises along Kaelin’s back and ribs. A girl training the same amount as an Illyrian boy…. she must be very strong to take it all.

Kaelin wobbled towards the bathroom with Nesta’s help, breathing a sight of relief when her body came in contact with the hot water. Letting her soak for a while, Nesta stripped down some clean linens and left them on the bed.

Now the only matter were the clothes.

Nesta had brought few clothes with her, and most of them did not go along with the ruthless Illyrian weather. She eyed the lower drawer of the dresser. The one which she had not dared to touch.

She had been stubborn and refused to accept any more _charity_ from her sister and her mate, sticking with her old dresses and overcoat instead. It was not as if she left the cabin long enough to die of frostbite.

Yet even if Kaelin was used to Illyria’s harsh weather, wearing warm clothes would make her more comfortable. Nesta was not as ruthless as to lend one of her thin run down dresses.

Sighting, she opened the drawer. And almost took a step back in surprise. For there lay clothes not in Night Court’s colours or the typical winter clothes one would find selling in Velaris.

No, they were Illyrian clothes. And not just leathers.

There were cotton sweaters, leggings, tunics and soft pants that Nesta would have never thought of wearing. And the colours…. Gods the colours. There was a range of colours from grey to auburn, burgundy, royal blue and forest green. The kind of colours that Nesta could imagine herself in.

She was so marvelled by them that she almost missed the small note on top of one sweater.

_‘These are for you. I took the liberty of buying them, but if you prefere another clothing style feel free to tell me — Cassian’_

He had bought her clothes. _He_ , not her sister. And Cassian had kept quiet about it. Had not said a word before his trip about how she had never opened that drawer.

Had given her space. A choice.

Had she perhaps misunderstood his apparent cold behaviour? Was he perhaps giving her time to get used to her current situation? Was he distancing himself so it was _her_ choice when the time to talk came?

Picking some clothes for Kaelin and laying them on the bed, Nesta tucked that information deep inside herself, feeling an annoying warmth in her heart she had not felt in a long time.

~•~

“What did you say?”

“You heard me perfectly clear or have you become deaf with your age?” Nesta replied to the camp lord in front of her, the mask of a bored and mighty queen mastered to perfection.

“I was not informed about this” Devlon said, anger lacing his every word.

“You were not notified because it was not necessary” she spat back, a cold fury settling in her veins “So let it be known that Kaelin will be staying with me for the time being to help in an important and secret matter, none of which are for you to worry about”

“How dare—“

“Have a good day” cutting Devlon off before he nagged at her some more, Nesta left him standing at the training area.

She heard Devlon bark an order for the Illyrians to get back to training, the sound of swords clashing against each soon rising again. She tried not to flinch at the sounds, keeping her mask up until she was safely back at the cabin.

Once inside, Nesta let herself rest against the door, sighing. She was tired. The events of yesterday and today’s morning had taken a tool on her. It had been a while since she had worn the unfeeling ice queen mask. She didn’t recall it to be so tiring.

But rest would have to wait a little bit. She had to check on Kaelin. And demand an explanation.

The night before, after Kaelin had gotten out of the bath and was dressed, Nesta had given the ginger tea and coaxed her into drinking it all. Not long after that, the poor girl fell asleep.

Nesta, on the hand, stayed awake for the better part of the night, dozing off in a chair near the bed, waking up whenever she heard Kaelin move.

When the birds had started to sing in the early morning, Nesta had came up with a plan. Leaving a tray with light food and tea in the bedside for Kaelin, she dressed herself and braided her hair neatly, preparing to go after Devlon. She had to make sure that Kaelin could stay away from training during her cycle and that her secret kept being a secret.

But the Illyrian had some gaps to fill in.

“Nesta?” she heard a soft voice calling from her room, and taking a deep breath, moved from her position.

“Good morning” Nesta said, finding the girl awake and less pale than yesterday “How do you feel?”

“Better” Kaelin was slowing making her way through breakfast “But, training…Devlon….how—”

“It’s been taken care of off” taking her position from the past night, Nesta squared her shoulders and took a business like voice “You have a story to tell”

Kaelin, noticing how the air had become serious, lost no time and, stopping sometimes when the cramps returned with full force, told Nesta everything.

Kaelin’s mother, as she said before, had a fragile health, made worse by the heavy workload imposed on the females. Add that to a difficult pregnancy, you have the recipe for an early labour.

Right in the middle of the heaviest snow storm to have ever befallen on Illyria. Which lasted for four days and four nights.

Making it impossible for a midwife to get there.

Mikael, her father, aided his wife, Selin, all on his own.

A warrior born to kill. To reap lives.

However, for her he would bring life. He would do everything he could.

It was not enough.

He was not able to stop Selin’s internal bleeding. Or her death.

And so, thirteen years ago, on the day Illyria bled white while Selin bled red, a healthy little girl was born.

Yet after the blizzard stopped and Mikael buried his wife, a boy was announced to have been born.

_“Protect her” Selin had whispered with her last breath “Let our daughter be free and strong. Let her know no fear. Let her be as wild as Sanuur, the Mother of all forests. As ruthless as the old Illyrian warriors. As wise as our matriarchs.”_

Mikael kept his promise. He raised Kaelin as a boy in secret as best as he could. Until he was killed in the Hybern War.

And Kaelin was alone.

An orphan who nothing deserved to have, save for a duffel bag with whatever she could grab before she was kicked out of her childhood home — a one room wood cabin, built by her father after years of hard work — in the mud.

After the rumours that a Witch now lived with the General, Kaelin had a mad plan: she’d give anything, even her soul, to avoid getting what would raise a red flag to her secret.

“I starved and ate herbs that were said to make one avoid getting periods” Kaelin said, looking down at her empty cup “But those things made me far too weak. I was falling behind training. I am at the age boys grow like trees and start to get buffer. I needed a quick solution”

And Nesta had been feeding her.

Oh, she was going to get sick. Had she doomed Kaelin while thinking she was saving a poor orphan?

“From now on,” Nesta announced “I’ll be the one to keep your father’s promise. You will live with me”

It did no good to dwell on what could have been. What had been done was done.

For the first time in five months, the fog inside Nesta’s mind seemed to lift.

“You will live with me. And I will train with you”

Because **never again would she be weak. Never again would she be at someone’s mercy.**

Nesta Archeron was going to show Illyria just how much she should be feared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very bad at doing summaries, so please excuse me if they suck too much.


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our dear boy Cass is back after some time away, arriving in Illyria to find that there is a new occupant in his house.

Two months and two weeks.

Cassian had been away from Windhaven for seventy-five days.

Seventy fives days spent going to each of the fifty war camps, overseeing the trainings – specially the female’s — and trying to cease the fire that seemed to be leading to the first Illyrian civil war since the Night Court’s High Lord had taken control of the land.

He was tired. Both physically and mentally. His wings seemed to weight ten times more, and he couldn’t help but think of the female he had left alone in his secluded cabin.

He had not wanted to leave.

He had not had a choice.

He should have written to her.

Should have tried to ask her to go with him.

He remembered Feyre saying in passing how Nesta once wished to go and sail the world. But that was a long time ago. When she had been human. When she had not suffered the horrors of the war.

Cassian was not concerned about her safety. He had wards on his house, wards that made it impossible to anyone deemed dangerous or suspicious to get inside. Specially other males apart from him and his brothers. Although Cassian didn’t think that Nesta would try and take anyone to his house. He had made sure to scare the fuck out of every male in camp once Nesta and him had arrived at Windhaven. They knew to not get close to her.

Nesta going to _their_ houses seemed as much unlikely. She had not left her room since they’d arrived. He doubted she’d do so after he had gone away.

No, Cassian was concerned about her health.

In the first month, Cassian had taken upon himself the task of helping Nesta go through her detoxification. Not that she had wanted his help at all.

It had not been pretty. It was not an easy process. Cassian knew it. That was why he had been so concerned when she’d locked herself in her room and went through the pain all alone.

He had stayed awake, listening to her empty her guts day and night, unable to comfort her. To hold her hair back from her face. He’d leave water and food outside her door, the best he’d offer given the situation.

She usually took all the water. She left most of the food.

In the last week of her detoxification, the worst phase, he stood in front of his closed door all through the week, awake. Just waiting for a sound that would have him throwing the door open and running to her room, her anger at him be dammed.

She didn’t call for him. Or for anyone. She stayed unusually quiet.

Cassian died a thousand deaths during that time. He had been so afraid he had dared to open his door and almost knocked on hers. But he heard her breathing.

She was sleeping so quietly that only Fae ears would have been able to hear her.

That night, he stayed outside her door. And when he heard her wake up on the next day, he quickly went to the kitchen.

Acted as if nothing had happened. As if he hadn’t prayed all night for her well being, his stomach filled with dread.

He left food for her and went to oversee the morning training.

The males were smart not to provoke him that day.

And so their relationship stayed that way, Cassian trying to give her space. Waiting for her to talk to him. Or scream at him. Even hit him.

She did no such thing. Stayed practically all day in her room. In good days, Cassian would see her sitting in the stone bench outside his house when he came back. Those days were rarer then he liked.

And then he left. For two months.

She did not leave his mind not even for a second of those seventy-five days.

Landing outside his house, Cassian took a deep breath, bracing himself for what awaited him.

He entered the house, silence being his only greeting. He was not surprised. He had left Ironcrest as the sun was raising, eager to return home, and Nesta was not one to wake up early.

Cassian had stayed at Ironcrest for longer than the other camps, given how that prick Kallon was raising distress among the Illyrians.

He hoped Kallon met his demise at the Blood Rite that year.

But something was amiss in his house. Cassian spotted a duffel bag beside the sofa, which had a pillow and a blanket neatly folded on it. And there was a new scent, one which was not Nesta’s. His heart started to beat faster, his mind running the possibilities. Had the wards became weaker somehow? Had someone gotten inside his home? Or was this some arrangement Nesta had made? Was she planning to leave?

Dumping his things in the hall, Cassian practically ran towards her room, and after knocking and receiving no answer whatsoever — not even a low curse — he opened the door to find the room empty. The bed was made, and Nesta’s scent was still there, which calmed him a little bit. But where the Mother was she?

Closing the door, he strained his ears to listen to something, _anything_ that would tell him that she still was in the house. And then he heard it, a voice coming from outside, very faintly.

He went to the kitchen and opened a side door that connected to an outdoor patio behind his house, which he used for training when he wanted to let off some steam instead of sparring with the other Illyrians.

The scene which Cassian was now seeing made him believe he had fallen sleep and was dreaming, for Nesta and an Illyrian kid were outside, doing what appeared to be some sort of training.

There were four tree stumps positioned to form a big square, in which Nesta was standing inside while the young Illyrian stayed airborne.

“FOUR!” the kid shouted, and flew towards what Cassian guessed was the stump marked as number four, Nesta running towards the same stump. She had just come close to it when another number was shouted, both the kid and Nesta moving towards the new spot.

And Cassian realised, after the initial shock of seeing Nesta outside, of seeing her filled with _energy_ , that the young Illyrian was _training_ Nesta. The exercise in question was one of the first the small Illyrians learned once they started training, to both create a sense of direction and balance while flying and having to suddenly change positions, and to start building their stamina.

He could not believe that somehow Nesta had started training, that she was wearing the Illyrian leathers he left for her among her other clothes. He had done it out of hope that she’d warm up to the ideia of training, to help her manage her powers, to help her learn how to defend herself, so she never found herself in a situation similar to the one with Hybern or his twin spies, all that time ago in Velaris’ library.

The leathers were a little big on her, and she still looked like she should eat at least five full banquets, but something had changed in the time he had been away.

Cassian was afraid to move. Was afraid to even breath. He remained frozen, and kept staring and staring at the female in front of him. A female that two months ago was a shell of her previous self, but that now had a little spark of life back in her eyes. A reminder of the untameable fire she once held.

“ _Anak_ ”

The word — _Commander_ in Illyrian — caught Cassian’s attention, and he came back to reality to find Nesta looking at him, unmoving, whereas the kid was back on the ground, one fist across its chest, wings tucked and head bowed down.

A soldier, greeting the Commander. A soldier, waiting for orders.

“ _Küroch_ ” Cassian said, and the young boy raised his head, taking a relaxed attitude, with his feet apart and hands behind his back.

“Kaelin, you should go” Nesta’s voice broke the awkward silence that had fallen among them, and Cassian eyed their interaction with interest.

“But—”

“No buts. You have training in an hour right? You may go”

Kaelin’s eyes darted to Cassian, and the boy hesitated a fraction before muttering a quick goodbye and launching to the skies.

Leaving Cassian and Nesta alone.

~•~

“So you’re back”

“Did you miss me sweetheart?” Cassian teased, hoping to ease some of the tension in the air.

Nesta had gone back inside as soon as Kaelin had left, not bothering to give Cassian a single glance. He had obviously followed her inside, and now eyed her from the kitchen door as she gulped down a glass of water.

“Did you feel so alone that you got yourself a roommate?” he said, pushing her, wanting to get some reaction.

But it seemed the wrong thing to say, for Nesta stiffened and became a pillar of ice and steel he had not seen since the war.

“If Kaelin goes, so do I” she said, fire burning in her eyes “Do not blame me for taking him in and not consulting you when I thought you’d left for good. Two months. For two months you didn’t—”

She stopped herself, and Cassian was reminded of another conversation like this.

_“You didn’t come to—”_

_“The next time, Emissary, I’ll come say hello”_

Another broken promise. Another failure to add to his ever growing pile of mistakes.

“No one is going anywhere” he quietly added, trying to bury those memories again “But I’d like to know the reason why he’s here”

“He’s an _orphan_. He’s a thirteen year old kid who has _nothing_ and _no one_ to take care of him. And who’s left to live in some piss poor tent in the mud while the weather is as cold as Death’s kiss.”

“I lived like that too” Cassian said, reminding those cold and harsh days before Rhysand’s mother took him in, before he knew what it felt like to sleep on a bed, to have a warm meal and hot bath.

“Does it make it right then?” Nesta snapped, and the way she seemed to care for Kaelin made him think that maybe he’d judged her wrong.

She had pleaded for both humans and children’s lives back at the High Lord’s reunion. Had passionately demanded for them to stop being selfish and save them.

How could he have ever thought that she’d let Feyre go hunting as a fourteen year old and say nothing? Do nothing but just twiddle her thumbs while her youngest sister risked her life? With each passing day, Cassian found himself being more and more drawn to the interesting persona that was Nesta Archeron.

“No. No it doesn’t” his voice softened, and he decided to try and be a little less of an asshole “He stays. For as long he wants”

Cassian thought he saw Nesta almost sigh in relief and got even more curious about their relationship.

“How—” he cleared his throat, hoping to find a neutral topic “You are training”

“I figured that if I was to stay here for Mother knows how long I’d better find something to kill time with” she snorted “It’s not like there’s a library here”

“I can— I can ask for books to be delivered here” he gave her what he hoped was a teasing smirk instead of a grimace “I’m sorry my small private collection was not enough stimulation”

Cassian was tripping over his words, he knew that. He thought he must sound pathetic, but he had gotten Nesta to talk, and if his two months away had taught him something it was that he was done keeping his distance.

Nesta only shrugged, in thanks or dismissal he didn’t know, and walked past him to leave the kitchen. Probably to take a bath and get rid of those leathers.

“Stay” he grabbed her fingers, softly, just to hold her back.

She turned her face to look at him, their proximity and the meaning of his words making Cassian drop her hand and place some space between them.

“Have breakfast with me” he quickly added “You should always eat after exercise to regain the lost energy, and breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”

He waited for a heartbeat. Two.

“I mean, I don’t know about you but I’m starving. I left Ironcrest too early and didn’t eat and—“

Gods, he sounded like a green boy talking with a girl for their first time.

“I’ll keep you company” Nesta cut his blabbering short, and sat in the kitchen chair, the ever picture of the mighty queen she was.

Cassian almost jumped with joy. Almost. Because she said she’d keep him _company_ , not that she’d _eat_ with him. And she needed to, desperately so.

Washing his hands and typing his hair back, he went through his cabinets and gathered lots of different ingredients. Nesta stayed silent while he cooked, and when he placed the food on the table — also giving her a plate — she only raised an eyebrow in question.

“This is _Imu Yanisa Kiyauriri_ ” he said, gesturing to the dish in front of her “It’s a traditional Illyrian dish. Kind like the human for porridge, but better.”

He didn’t wait for Nesta to start eating, but secretly eyed her as he ate.

“It tastes better hot” he tentatively said, silently willing her to grab the spoon and eat.

He cheered internally when she did, and swore he heard a silent moan of pleasure when she swallowed it. _Imu Yanisa Kiyauriri_ was a dish know for its high energy potencial, and consisted of milk, water, sugar and _mbe'yu_ , a type of wheat that the Illyrians grew. It was a simple dish to make, and was the first Cassian had ever learned to cook. He had faint memories of his mother feeding him _Imu Yanisa Kiyauriri_ , and had almost begged Rhysand’s mother to teach him how to make it, if only to get closer to his mother one way or another.

Cassian had also cooked eggs, bacon, made some toast and brewed coffee. He left it all on the table, and didn’t force Nesta to take it. He would have to take small steps to help her. He could only offer her the possibilities and pray she would take them.

But as he sipped his coffee — the hot drink warming his tired body — he thought that maybe the new occupant of the house would turn out to be a very precious ally.


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian tries to get closer to Kaelin, and begins to think that it's time to start facing his heart and what it wants.

Cassian woke up in the late afternoon. After a silently breakfast with Nesta, he went to report to Devlon and go over the papers he had left piling up in his absence. Nesta had gone to her room — probably to take a bath and change out of the leathers — and he had not seen her since. He had promptly fallen asleep as soon as his head had hit the pillow, his aching muscles and wings screaming for some well deserved rest.

Cassian debated whether to knock on Nesta’s door or not as he splashed some cold water on his face. He had decided he was going to help her, he just didn’t know _how_ to do that without seeming as if he was just following orders from Feyre. Nesta was not a burden. Would never be. At least not for him. He was going to do this right and make up for the two months he was away.

Gathering his courage, he softly knocked on her door, straining his ears to listen to something that would indicate that she was in her bedroom. When he heard nothing, not even her breathing, he remembered the stone bench. The weather was sunny — with “sunny” in Illyria meaning that the grey sky was more or less free of clouds and the cold not as unforgiving as usual. However, when he opened the front door and stepped outside, he did not see Nesta but the young Illyrian he had seen earlier, Kaelin.

Cassian stayed quiet, taking the opportunity to inspect the kid, which was so busy writing something down in a piece of paper — Cassian could see him biting his lip in concentration and pushing back a stray curl that kept falling on his eyes — that didn’t take notice of his arrival. Kaelin was a question mark that had suddenly appeared in his life. Cassian didn’t know who the Illyrian was, but if Nesta had chosen to trust him — to take him _under her care_ when she could not deign to care for _herself_ — then he was going to trust her decision. And he would ask Kaelin to work with him to help Nesta heal.

“You know, if you’re thinking of growing your hair maybe you should have something to tie it back” Cassian said, clearing his throat to warn Kaelin of his presence.

Kaelin almost fell from the bench in surprise, quickly raising to greet him.

“Please, there’s no need for that” Cassian pleaded, interrupting Kaelin before he did the formal salute “You are living here now, you may address me informally”.

“Yes, sir” he hesitantly answered, as if unsure if he should be treating his superior like that.

The younglings usually liked Cassian. He did teach a lot of them to fly and played with them whenever he had the chance. But Kaelin was in the phase where training got harder, tougher. When the Camp Lords started to separate those who had potential and those who would only be another number in the army.

“Isn’t it better to write inside? The bench looks uncomfortable” Cassian tried, hoping to gain the kid’s trust.

“Nesta said…she said it’s good to read out loud while you write” the tip of Kaelin’s ears turned soft pink “I didn’t want to disturb you, sir”

_Nesta was teaching Kaelin how to read._

Cassian didn’t know what to do with this new information. He had really missed a lot on two months.

“I wouldn’t be woken by your voice. I usually sleep like the dead”.

 _“When I can actually sleep”_ Cassian thought. His dreams usually turned into nightmares, and he only slept well when he was near the point of passing out from fatigue. Like today.

“Oh, I see. Nesta gave me one of the military books in your living room to practice, I hope that’s fine” the young Illyrian knotted his eyebrows in confusion “She said she didn’t have any books I could read”.

“No, I don’t think she has” Cassian allowed himself a small smile, thinking about the dirty romance novels he knew Nesta liked. He didn’t think they’d have been proper for Kaelin “Feel free to take any books you like. I’ll see if I can get hold of less boring ones for you”.

“I don’t want to burden you!!” he quickly said “Really, they’re not boring. A bit hard to understand, but I usually write down the words I don’t know and Nesta helps me later”.

“It’s not a bother. I was planning to get some books for Nesta. She reads a lot and I think she may have run out of books now”.

Cassian tried to calm Kaelin, making sure it was nothing out of his way. He knew how it felt when you had nothing and people offered you things. The first time he had received a present, a solstice gift from Rhysand’s mother, he had been afraid to accept and had cried afterwards, once he was alone. He could only imagine how it was for the Kaelin. An orphan who once had some and suddenly was stripped of even the little things he had to call his own.

“You and Nesta… you seem close” he tried to appear nonchalant, laying the ground for his intention of gathering Kaelin’s aid.

“She’s nice” he answered, pushing the stray curl away again.

“How has she been? Has she been going out a lot?” Cassian cringed internally at how desperate he sounded, but he could not deny how worried he was that Nesta was not back when it was beginning to darken.

“I’ve know Nesta for two, three months at most”.

“And?” Cassian inquired.

“She does not eat much. Started going out recently” Kaelin eyed him in suspicion “I don’t know if I should be talking with you, sir, about her. I know that I wouldn’t like to have someone talking about me behind my back. Specially with someone who had left me alone for months”.

Cassian realised that, in this conversation, he was the enemy. Kaelin knew Nesta, but had no reason whatsoever to trust Cassian, ranks in the army be damned.

“I was busy. Commander stuff” he didn’t want to talk about how a civil war was most likely to happen.

Kaelin’s only answer was to raise an eyebrow in question, an act that reminded Cassian so much of Nesta that he was momentarily thrown back. Was his idea about to go down the drain before he had even tried it out?

“I wouldn’t have left if wasn’t really necessary”.

“I didn’t doubt you” Kaelin said, the corners of his mouth raising slightly.

_Cauldron, he couldn’t believe how he was being played by a teenage boy._

“And I guess I know what you’re trying to do” Kaelin commented, gathering the book, tucking the piece of paper inside it and pocketing the pencil.

“If you know it, then are you willing to be my helping hand?” Cassian remembered why he usually stuck with training the younglings. They didn’t have smart comebacks.

“I cannot possibly train Nesta. I only know the basics I’ve learnt as a kid. But you sir, are a _legend_ ” Kaelin’s eyes sparked in admiration.

Mikael had told Kaelin stories about the Commander of the Illyrian armies. Of how an orphan who was supposed to be a foot soldier had the biggest killing power in Illyria’s history.

“I’m willing to do anything to make Nesta happy” Kaelin’s expression saddened “She is not doing well. And I own her my life. It’s the minimum I can do”.

“Thank you. I think she’d listen more to you than me” Cassian stretched his wings “First things first then kiddo. Could you tell me where she is? It’s getting late and she should have someone accompany her back”.

Kaelin gave him a wide smile, and before Cassian could do anything, got airborne.

“Don’t worry about it!! I always walk Nesta back!!”

And with a last goodbye shout, Kaelin flew away to meet Nesta at Cauldron knows where, leaving Cassian no option but to enter the house and get dinner ready.

~•~

To say dinner had been awkward was an understatement.

Cassian didn’t remember ever being so tongue tied before. Nesta had also kept quiet for most of the meal. Kaelin, however, did enough talking for both of them.

The kid had completely lost all shyness regarding Cassian, although he still added ‘sir’ sometimes when it seemed he was going overboard. Keeping his word to help Cassian with Nesta, Kaelin had talked nonstop about the things that had happened in those two months. Cassian learned that Nesta cooked quite well — _“Illyrian culinary is different from high Fae but she learned so fast! It didn’t even feel like the food had been kept in the ice box for so long!”_ — and that she also knew how to sew — _“She fixed all my clothes! They fit perfectly now! It feels as if they’re brand new!”._

Cassian would be pleased to just sit there and listen to Kaelin praise Nesta and tell all her hidden abilities, but he saw the way her pointed ears were getting pink and how she stuffed food in her mouth to avoid getting asked more questions. So he changed topics to Kaelin’s training, and he swore he saw Nesta silently thank him by the way her grey blue eyes softened.

The rest of the dinner run smoothly. He was also relived to see Nesta getting a second helping of food. Cassian could bet that she had not had lunch and, as a result, was starving.

He had made rice with cooked vegetables, along with fish seasoned with _baniwa_ , a pepper based sauce. He had also left some fish without _baniwa_ , not knowing whether Nesta liked her food spicy or not. He was happy to see that she choose the fish with the sauce and decided to stick with solid food, not taking any of the _Imu Yanisa Kiyauriri_ he had offered, in case her stomach was not well.

After quietly washing the dishes while Nesta dried them — she had just gotten up and grabbed the kitchen rag, not sparing him a glance as she took the clean plate from his hand — Cassian locked himself in his room, hoping to get a good night’s sleep.

However, lucky was not on his side. He tossed and turned on his bed for hours, until finally giving up sleep and moving to his desk to go over the training schedule and other minor documents. Maybe work would tire him out enough to get maybe three or four hours of sleep.

Cassian was in the middle of a report regarding the preparations for the Blood Rite when he felt a shiver running down his spine. A faint sensation of panic came forth, and he was momentarily thrown back. Shrugging it off as fatigue, he turned back to the paper. But the sensation did not disappear. Had someone gotten over the wards somehow?

“Oh, screw this” he cursed, raising from his chair and opening his bedroom door.

Looking in the living room’s direction, he saw Kaelin completely passed out in the couch, sleeping on his stomach, his wings twitching in his sleep and drooling. The kitchen was clear as well, the same with the outdoor patio and the bathroom. The sensation got fainter, and he almost gave up when he walked by Nesta’s bedroom.

Cassian felt that panic rise within him once again. Felt that sensation of dread and helplessness knock him with full force. Without thinking, he opened her door, all reason flying out of his head to knock or call her from outside. Once inside, the first thing he notice was how cold the room was. She had not lit the fireplace, but it for sure was not due to lack of firewood. Why had she chosen to bury herself under multiple fur blankets then?

Second thing he took notice of was that said blankets had been thrown to the floor. And that Nesta was painting, fists tightly closed beside her body.

“ _Nesta_ …” Cassian breathed, slowly approaching the bed. He could see her eyes moving frantically under eyelids. The sensation was stronger now, threatening to consume him. He could not imagine how Nesta felt. Tried not to think why he also felt it.

“No…get away…” she murmured feverishly in her sleep “Take me. Take me instead”

Cassian smelled smoke, and he realised that Nesta’s fists were burning the sheets were they touched, her skin damp with sweat.

“Ness….” Cassian knew that you should not wake up someone when they were having a nightmare, not when they were letting their power lose. That indicated that the person had lost all sensation of reality and imagination, and could hurt whoever approached them. But Cassian could not see her suffering and just do nothing.

Gently, he kneeled beside her bed, and tentatively run his thumb across her forehead.

“You’re safe Nesta. Breath.” he murmured, bringing his other hand to her clenched fists, squeezing in reassurance, the fire around them not hurting him.

“It’s my fault…my fault” she whimpered, and sorrow and guilty hit Cassian just like earlier.

“Shhh…. Nobody can harm you” his thumb kept caressing her, trying to transmit comfort through his touch.

“I’m sorry…” she took a sharp breath, and Cassian could feel she tremble slightly.

“ _Nesta. Nesta._ ” he willed her hand to open, clutching it on his “Hush now _xe r-endy_ , I’m here. _Îebyr pe ixê_.”

He kept talking in Illyrian, and she started to calm down, her breath coming in regularly and some tension leaving her body.

“That’s it sweetheart. You’re safe” Cassian tucked the blankets over Nesta, getting her comfortable.

“Cassian…stay” she grabbed his hand, eyes half open and laced with sleep, her strange and mysterious power faintly shinning on them.

“I will stay until you fall asleep” he replied.

And Cassian spent the rest of the night and early morning sitting on her bedroom floor. Holding her hand. And when the first of rays of sunlight appeared, he let go of her hand.

And he left Nesta’s room.


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nesta realises that dark times are coming, with troubles closer to her than she would like them to be.

Nesta woke up to soft knocking on her door.

She groaned in her pillow, wanting nothing more than to go back sleep. She was not used to waking up so early — the sun had barely risen on the sky — and she’d had a poor night of sleep, her latest nightmare still too vivid in her mind.

Nesta had a lot of those. Nightmares. Before, it was of Mandray. Of being beneath him again. Of not being able to scape. After being kidnapped by Hybern, they were about Elain. Of failing time and time again to avoid her sister being thrown into that blasted Cauldron.

Once the war had come and gone, it got worse. She’d dream of Elain in that camp, chained near the Cauldron. Would dream of Feyre failing to rescue their sister. Would dream of both of them dying while Nesta was unable to protect them. Another failure that’d hunt her through all of her miserable immortal life.

And she’d dream of him. Of his wings being broken and his screams piercing her ears, her soul. Of Hybern killing him in front of her eyes while she was held down by the evil king’s power. And once she got free, once she blasted that bastard to nothingness, she’d find herself in world without him. A world where she lived with a big nothing inside her.

Last night, however, had been different. She had been dreaming of failing Elain and Feyre again when suddenly she heard a voice. His voice, talking in that melodic and enthralling language, his voice a soft caress that eased her troubles. But as soon as she felt herself calming down, Nesta felt him go away. And so she desperately asked for him to stay with her. At least in her dreams she’d be less proud and afraid to say what she wished to. What she wished she had said to him two months ago.

_Don’t go. Stay._

And in her dream he stayed. It had been so realistic that Nesta swore she could still feel his warm calloused hand against her skin, smell his scent, his voice a lover’s caress in her ears and—

She got up from the bed quickly, shaking her head. No good would come from going down that path. She willed her heart to behave and stay quiet in the cage she had locked it into. Wall after wall being risen, being toughened. Sometimes, feeling nothing was better then feeling too much or even anything at all.

Nesta heard knocking again, and quickly discarded her nightgown for the Illyrian leathers. She had struck a promise to train with Kaelin before the girl’s morning training and Nesta hated to be late.

“I’m awake, you don’t have to tear down the door Kaelin” Nesta said, opening her door and almost hitting her face in a leather clad chest.

 _Cassian_ was the one knocking on her door.

“What are you doing here?” she asked through clenched teeth.

“Good morning to you too sweetheart” he gave her a teasing grin “Last that I checked, I live here”

“One would wonder if that is true, given your long absence” she replied, knowing she had hit her mark when she saw a muscle twitching on his jaw “Where’s Kaelin?”

“Training has been rescheduled. The younglings start earlier now so those preparing for the Blood Rite can have more time on the training areas” Cassian managed to say.

“I see” Nesta was thinking about going back to sleep when the male in front of her interrupted her thoughts.

“Would you care to have breakfast with me?”

She opened her mouth to dismiss him when she caught the look on his eyes. Not angry anymore at her earlier jab, but anxious. She had never seen Cassian so unsure before, so difficult to read. It was as if his feelings were all over the place.

 _“It wouldn’t hurt to eat with him”_ she thought, recalling her dream.

“You are cooking” Nesta declared, moving past him to the kitchen.

“As you wish, your Highness” he did a mocking bow and followed her.

Nesta eyed the tall male in front of her. He cooked with expertise and seemed completely comfortable in the ambient, humming while he mixed some eggs in the frying pan.

He was so… domestic. Nesta almost smiled imagining him with a silly apron, an image so at odds with his usual scary General appearance.

“I talked with Kaelin yesterday” Cassian said after some time.

“And?” Nesta asked, raising an eyebrow

“He’s been training with you. And I was wondering….” he placed the food in front of her, clearing his throat “I was wondering if I could train you. Both of you. Kaelin is not so advanced with his training and there’s also the matter of—”

“The matter of what” she snapped

“Your powers” he fidgeted with a knife, twirling it on his hand, not scared to cut off a finger by accident “I don’t know where you were with Amren in regards to them, but it’s also important to have them in sync with any self defence moves you can learn”

“My powers are none of your concern”

It was a lie. Her classes with Amren had just grazed the surface of what she knew she could do. But she was scared of them. Of what she could do. Her powers were a wild beast that was she forced to live with, a constant reminder of the life she lost.

She hated it.

However, Cassian was right. If she truly wanted to be capable of defending herself — of defending Kaelin were her secret to be discovered — she’d have to accept his help.

“We can train after breakfast” she nonchalantly said, stabbing a piece of the scrambled eggs on her plate “I’m already changed either way”

“Brilliant” Cassian smiled, his whole face seeming to lighten up like the sky after a storm “Prepare yourself to be challenged sweetheart. I’m not one to go easy on my students”

~•~

Cassian did not lie. He didn’t go easy on her. Her whole body ached and she almost regretted her choice to not stay in the cabin, rereading one of her books.

But she had places to go.

“You’re late”

“I’m not late Esmée” Nesta stated, grabbing an apron by the tent’ side and moving to one of the tables “I’m exactly on time”

“You’re thirty seconds late. That’s enough to lose the boiling point for a healing potion and make it a poison instead” Esmée, the chief healer of Windhaven huffed “If I say you’re late then you’re late.”

Nesta only dipped her head and started to work. Esmée might come out as a grump and mean female, but she was only serious about her work, a work which left her with no time for idle talk or sugarcoated pleasantries.

Nesta liked her just fine.

Kaelin had been the one to present her to the healers. Once her period was over and it was safe for her to leave the cabin without someone noticing the change in her scent, Kaelin had taken Nesta in a tour through Windhaven. Nesta did not know anything else except the area around Cassian’s cabin, which included a solitary trail to the forest and the outskirts of the village.

Kaelin appeared to know everyone they passed by. The younglings — who were yet too young to train — happily waved at her when they passed, as did some females who were working. On the other hand, it was different with the males. They eyed Kaelin with distaste and something akin to betrayal in their eyes. Nesta had yet to ask Kaelin why. Was it because she was walking with Nesta, an outsider who not only was High Fae but also the sister in law of their High Lord? She had tucked the information inside herself, analysing everything and everyone they met.

And it was when they were nearing the end of the tour that they had come upon the healers tent. Nesta recalled helping them in the war, bringing buckets of water, doing bandages for the wounded and holding the most serious ones down while they were patched up. She had felt like she had a purpose back then. Like she was not a burden.

She tried not think how it also helped her take her mind off the fearless Illyrian who leaded the troops, leaving only dead bodies with whoever met his blade.

Esmée had remembered her, as did some of the other females that worked alongside her. They had not eyed Nesta with pity or distaste, something she was used to in Velaris. No, they simply gave her a nod of recognition and went back to work, mixing herbs, cutting straps of bandages and tending to patients.

 _“Are you going to help or will you stay all day there?” Esmée had snapped “If you want to, grab an apron and come here. We need more_ jambu _to be ground so that fella over there can stop whining”_

_Kaelin had come still beside Nesta, fearing she had been insulted by the healers harsh words. But she simply grabbed an apron and rolled her dress’ sleeves._

_“Which one is_ jambu _?”_

And from that day onwards Nesta began to help the healers in any way she could, going after her training with Kaelin in the morning and coming back in the late afternoon. Kaelin always walked her back, stopping at the tent after her training.

_“It’s not safe for females to wander alone” the young girl had informed Nesta “Specially when it starts to get dark”_

Nesta knew better than to dismiss Kaelin’s words. She knew what males were capable of doing to those they thought inferior to them.

“Charming as ever, don’t you agree?” Jacira said, appearing beside Nesta.

“Lovely” she mumbled back, the corners of her lips almost raising in a smile.

Jacira was one of the least shy healers around Nesta. She had beautiful dark green eyes, which contrasted with her dark raven hair and dark brown skin. She also had a very sharp and curious mind, and was teaching Nesta all she knew about what being a healer was like.

Nesta liked to think she had found another friend in Jacira.

“I see the General has come back”

“Really? I didn’t notice” Nesta replied, busying herself with her task.

“He had been gone longer than usual this time for the inspection” Jacira whispered “Word says it’s because some serious trouble has risen in other camps, specially Ironcrest”

Jacira was also a shameless gossiper. In the two weeks Nesta had started to work with her, she knew practically everything about anyone that lived in Windhaven. She said to herself that no harm would come to listen to Jacira’s blabbering. She was simply gathering information as to not stay in the dark.

It was not gossip. It was only intelligence material about the Illyrians in Windhaven.

“Trouble? What kind of trouble?” Cassian had not spoken a word about it with her.

“I don’t know. I only know that the camp lords are whispering between them, and seem to be anxious about the Blood Rite.” she got closer to Nesta “In my opinion, they want it to arrive fast so any feuds can be resolved there”

For the Blood Rite was not only the chance for the Illyrians to prove their worth as a warrior, but a bloodbath. An event that allowed matters to be resolved without the laws of the war camps binding them.

“More work and less talk ladies” Esmée hissed at them “Those tonics won’t be done by themselves”

“Yes, m’am” Jacira replied, batting her eyelashes innocently, making Nesta snort. That girl had no fear of danger.

They kept to their work, Jacira talking when she thought Esmée was not looking, Nesta saying something now and then. The time she spent among the healers was precious to her. It brought a sense of normality back to her life. Even the wild beast inside her gave her a time out, seeming to purr whenever she dedicated herself to chopping herbs and making tonics or healing potions, the scent of all the ingredients calming her.

But the thought that something was amiss among the Illyrians bothered her. It was something that stayed on her mind all day.

Nesta was quieter than usual at dinner — she caught Cassian glancing worriedly at her when he thought she was not looking — the gears inside her head turning and going through every possible outcome.

She went to sleep still thinking about it, and came to a conclusion.

Something bad was coming.

And she would get Cassian to tell her whatever it was.


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nesta and Cassian start working with her powers, trying to deny the sparks that arise whenever they are in close quarters with each other.

“Arms up. Feet apart” Nesta followed his instruction, getting in position “I want you to focus all your power in your fists. Redirect the flow to them.”

It was not Cassian’s voice who Nesta heard. No, it was the voice of the Lord of Bloodshed. Of the Commander of the Illyrian Armies.

They had been trying for an hour, maybe two. Today was the second time in the week since they’d first started training together that Cassian was trying to teach Nesta how to maintain a constant flow of her powers. To not let her spend herself with one killing blow like she had done with Hybern.

It was hard. It was impossible.

Nesta had no ideia of what she was doing. She couldn’t tame the beast inside her to behave and do what she wanted to. She felt stupid while silently willing her fists to gather that blinding light she had fired at Hybern or even the silver flames that appeared when she lost control.

Nothing had happened in two days.

Not to mention she also had to think about her fighting stance, balance, Cassian counting out loud while she punched, all the while keeping her grip on her power.

And she had not been able to confront Cassian about the troubles at camp that he was keeping from her. That only made her more annoyed and restless.

“Focus Nesta” Nesta snapped back to attention at his words “Your figure is excellent but your mind is far away. If you get distracted on the battlefield you can get hurt. Or worse, killed”

“I am paying attention. If you could only be more precise about what exactly I’m supposed to be doing—”

Cassian laughed, which only served to ignite that fire that seemed to roar whenever they were in the same room.

“My powers are totally different from yours sweetheart. You have an enormous amount of it too, from the little I’ve seen” his hazel eyes scanned her, as if he could see beneath her skin and pinpoint where her power resided inside of her “But you lack control”

“Aren’t you supposed to be some legendary warrior? With seven siphons and all that” she spat back, wanting to jab him at his poor job at teaching her, but she only earned a feline smile back.

“Have you been paying attention to me Nes? I’m flattered” he placed a hand on his chest, feigning surprise.

Nesta gritted her teeth. Most of the time, she didn’t know whether to throttle him or kiss him. Sometimes both.

“Whatever you’re doing right now sweetheart, keep it up” Cassian said, amazement lacing his words.

Nesta raised her fists, which had fallen beside her body during her spat with Cassian, and she realised that she had done it. The silver flames that sometimes appeared were dancing along her hands, turning the air around them hot, although they did not burn her.

Nesta allowed herself to feel proud. She had done it. She could feel her power flowing all through her body down to her hands.

Raising her fists, Nesta got into position like Cassian had taught her.

And she punched him.

Cassian allowed her flaming fist to get dangerously close to his face before he dodged it, sidestepping. She aimed again. And again. Until they were dancing a dangerous dance, Cassian blocking and avoiding her fists, while Nesta concentrated in keeping the flames alive and remembering the correct steps.

She thought she had finally caught him, feigning a punch towards his face while actually aiming at his gut — a move Cassian had recently showed her — when he took her arm in an arm lock, pulling her body flush towards his.

“That was good” he breathless said, so close Nesta could see the green in his eyes “But you still are too slow in the transition. And you look at where you want to hit me. That’s what gave you away”

Nesta opened her mouth the retort, but no sound came out. She got conscious of how close they were. Of how Cassian didn’t seem bothered by her flaming fists.

She didn’t know whether she was feeling hot due to the exercise, the flames or the proximity with him.

“You are always surprising me, you know that?” Cassian murmured, his breath sending chills down her spine.

She was burning. She couldn’t breath or think, her thoughts running fast and incoherently around her head. She could only look at him.

She wanted to pull him closer.

She wanted to push him away.

She wanted to kiss him.

She wanted to scream at him for making her feel this way.

Nesta wanted and wanted and felt everything too deeply. His body against hers. His breath, mingling with hers. His grip on her army getting loose. His deep hazel eyes like molten chocolate, his pupils dilating and his gaze flicking from her eyes to her mouth and—

A bird’s cry shook Nesta out of her trance, and she quickly put some distance between her and Cassian, her flames flicking out.

Dangerous. It was dangerous to allow herself to get close to him. To let him slip between the bars in which she caged her heart.

“I think that’s enough for today” Cassian said, nervously clearing his throat “You— Are you going to train with me and Kaelin today?”

Nesta trained with Cassian everyday in the mornings, Kaelin joining then in the afternoons after her own training was done. Cassian had proposed to Nesta that she practice in the afternoon only three times a week for now. He said it was best not to demand so much of her body in the beginning.

But he always asked her if she would join then or not. Even if it was the day all three of them were supposed to train together.

“I’m fine” Nesta managed to say, grateful that her voice did not give away how she was feeling “I’ll be here”

Cassian only nodded, his eyes looking everywhere but at her. If Nesta didn’t know any better, she’d think he was just as shaken as her.

“Azriel…Azriel is coming to Windhaven tomorrow” Cassian blurted out, before Nesta could excuse herself.

Nesta only raised an eyebrow in question, as if to say _‘go on, I’m listening’_

“He’s going to stay here four days, maybe a week. We have some… some matters to discuss”

“Matters about the Illyrians rebelling?” she asked, taking him by surprise.

“How—”

“Just because you tell me nothing it does not means nobody else does” she snapped.

“It has nothing to do with you” he snarled and Nesta raised her chin in defiance.

“I think it does if I live here now”

“I didn’t _want_ you here”

Nesta felt as if she had been punched in the gut. She felt that spark that had been slowly coming back to life vanish, turning into cinders.

As if it never was there.

“Wait, I— I didn’t mean it like that” Cassian desperately said, seeing the change in her mood.

“Of course you did” she snorted “I’m no more of a burden to you than I was to my sister. I understand”

“No, Nesta it’s not that” he ran his hand through his hair, freeing it from the bun that held it “Please believe me”

Nesta only remained quiet, eyeing him. Trying to decide if he spoke the truth or was pitying her.

“You have suffered enough. You have _given_ enough. You don’t need the weight of another war on your shoulders. I—” he took a sharp breath “I cannot bear to see you go through it all again. I thought it was best for you to not know about it”

“It was not your decision to make!” she spat at him “You should have thought about that before banishing me here!”

“I told Feyre this was a stupid ideia! But she was desperate!! She blames herself for all the dangers you and Elain went through and she had no ideia what to do!!”

They were both screaming now, each one louder then the other.

“Sending you to the human side was off limits given the human queens! The other courts are civil at best with the Night Court! And I doubt you would want to be sent to another court were you knew no one and they were all wary of you” he laughed in disbelief “At least here I could— you would know _someone_ ”

“It was not _her_ decision to make” Nesta said, her powers raging inside of her, all control from a few moments ago gone.

“I know that. I can—” he shook his head, trying to find the right words “I can try to call in a few favours. Maybe Helion…the Day Court is beautiful and his library even more spectacular. Or Dawn. They’re neutral ground and you seemed to like the last time we were there. For sure not Winter. I think you’ve had enough of this dreadful weather”

Cassian started to mumble to himself, trying to come up with a solution.

“Would not your High Lady need to approve it?” poison filled Nesta’s word, angry of how she had been banished by her youngest sister before “Don’t you report back to her about me?”

“She only asks how you are doing. If you’re eating. If you came out of your room. And I don’t say nothing else besides it. Feyre worries. She feels guilty of what she did” his eyes meet hers “She would not have to know. You could go, and I would only say that you were well when she asked. You don’t need to stay here Nesta. I won’t be your jailer. I have already failed you enough”

And Nesta knew — be it due to the raw emotion in Cassian’s voice, the way he looked so distraught, his hazel eyes pleading at her — she knew he was telling the truth. That he would get her out of Illyria. Would let her have her way.

She was tempted to say yes.

To say yes and run far far away from the eyes that seemed to judge and burn and condemn her, all the way from Velaris.

But then she thought of Kaelin. She thought of all the healers, the females and children at camp.

If a civil war was to break out, who would defend them? Who would make sure they’d not be in the middle of the cross fire? Who would make sure Kaelin was not found out?

And Nesta made her decision.

“I will stay” she declared, making Cassian look at her in surprise.

“But I have a condition” she added “You will not hide anything else from me. You will tell me what’s happening here. What’s happening with the queens. With the other courts. I won’t stay in the dark any longer.”

“I promise you Nesta Archeron,” he said, his voice full of emotion “I will tell you even the Mother’ secrets if you want to”

~•~

Nesta spent the rest of the day lost in thought. Her conversation with Cassian — or screaming match to put it more truthfully — had opened some old wounds. Wounds she had thought to be already closed.

How foolish had she been.

Her quietness did not go unnoticed. Jacira was more talkative than usual, trying to cheer Nesta up and make her come out of her shell by any means, not caring if Esmée reprimanded her. But even the head healer took notice of Nesta’s mood.

_“We don’t have much work today. You can deliver this tonic for me and then retire for the day” Esmée had said, a tad softer than usual “Now shoo! This won’t be delivered if you stay here looking at me”_

And so Nesta found herself standing in the small craftsman center of the camp, walking towards a wooden building, its glass window identifying it as a clothier. The bell above the leaded-glass door tinkled as Nesta entered, warning of her presence.

“The shop is closed” a sharp voice said “Come back later”

Nesta looked at the female behind the polished counter. She had dark hair, which was braided in a style similar to the one Nesta favoured, offering a clean view of her sharp brown eyes. She wore a simple green dress, and Nesta noticed the female’s wings. The scars on them.

“I didn’t come to buy anything” Nesta walked towards the counter, placing down the package containing the small vial “I came to deliver this. I take you ordered this from Esmée?”

The female nodded, taking the package.

“So you’re the High Fae who’s working alongside the healers now” Emerie scanned Nesta, eyeing her pointed ears.

“What of it” she replied, straightening her spine, a mask of cold boredom on her face.

“Nothing” Emerie raised her chin, her posture matching Nesta’s “No wonder you decided to help them. They’re nice, and even Esmée’s presence is more pleasant than staying all day alone”

Nesta tried to calm down the fire inside of her, raging at the implication. She didn’t need her powers getting out of control here, destroying the store and hurting the female.

“Males are such emotionless creatures, don’t you agree? ” she added, waiting for a reaction back “I hope you gave the Commander hell for leaving you by yourself like that”

“He’s not— we’re not a couple” was Nesta’s only reply.

Emerie intrigued her. She was not like the other females Nesta had meet. She could recognise the fire inside of her, meeting Nesta’s gaze without fear.

She reminded Nesta of how she had once been. Before the war. Before she was Made.

“You aren’t?” Emerie raised an eyebrow, shrugging “Either way, I for one know I wouldn’t leave a guest unattended for such period.”

Nesta was excused from answering when the door opened, a familiar voice greeting them.

“Emerie, I finished with my deliveries, is there anything else I—” Kaelin stopped mid sentence, seeing the scene before her eyes.

“Kaelin, what are you doing here?” Nesta asked, surprised to see the girl.

“I do deliveries for Emerie sometimes. To the families who live too far or are too poor” the young girl stretched her wings a bit, shaking off the cold “Esmée let you go earlier today”

“She asked me to deliver something and call it a day” she inclined her head towards Emerie.

“Well, it’s a good thing then! You can stay for tea with me and Emerie!”

Nesta felt her cheeks redden.

“Kaelin, you can’t just invite me to someone else’s house!” she hissed, shocked at Kaelin’s boldness, her old manners classes coming to mind.

“I’m not bothered” Emerie said, coming from behind the counter “I can have some kind of courtesy towards those who I want to”

Kaelin grinned and opened a side door with a staircase — which lead to Emerie’s home in the upper floor of the shop — already moving up.

“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to” Emerie added, seeing Nesta hesitate “Kaelin tends to act before he thinks. But I know he’s a good kid, so I won’t be offended if you choose to go back to your General’s home”

Nesta thought about saying how Cassian was not her General. How his home was not hers. How she had a thousand thoughts screaming in her mind. How her powers were singing beneath her veins and how afraid she was of losing control.

But she was even more curious about Emerie, a female who did not bow like the others, the sole owner of a shop in such a place as Illyria.

“I hope you have biscuits” she choose to say instead, feeling hungry for the first time in long while, the thought of eating not scaring her in the least.


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Azriel arrives in Illryia and Kaelin starts to face some troubles, worrying both Nesta and Cassian.

“Cassian, for Cauldron’ sake, stop with your fidgeting”

“I am not fidgeting, Azriel” Cassian said, eyeing the females training and making sure that Devlon was at least _trying_ to teach them.

“You almost blinded me with your wings three times in the last ten minutes” the Shadowsinger huffed back, taking a step back and putting some distance between them.

Cassian just snorted but did check himself, realising he really was flaring his wings a little, a nervous tick that came out whenever he was distressed with something.

_Not_ that he was recalling his conversation with Nesta during training yesterday, how he had been delighted to see her improvement and her beginning to master her powers.

_Not_ that he was remembering how he could hear her heart beating quickly when he had pulled her close.

_Not_ that he had had to muster every ounce of strength and control he had to not fall at her feet and beg for a kiss, for a touch, for _anything_ when he smelled her scent.

_Not_ that he had felt guilty of not telling her of the Illyrian revolution that was probable to happen.

_Not_ that he was remembering how his heart had stopped when he asked her if she wanted to leave.

He would do that. Would help her walk away. From him, from the situation Feyre had forced upon her. But it didn’t mean it would not hurt him to watch her go.

Didn’t mean he would not reach the conclusion that he had failed her once again.

Cassian thought he and Nesta were making progress, but after yesterday he stopped trying to convince himself of that.

Things between them were awkward when they saw each other again at the afternoon training with Kaelin, and for once he was grateful for the boy’s constant chattering.

It was a good way to take his mind of his worries.

And the way Nesta seemed to relax and almost smile whenever Kaelin said something or nailed move was a relief to Cassian’s troubled heart. It was an accidental blessing that he cherished with all his life.

No, Cassian preferred to think that his actual state of mind was due to all the new documents and information he would have to go through after Azriel’s arrival, and maybe a little bit worried of how Nesta’s and Azriel’s encounter would go.

He knew her and his brother were not close — he had never even seen they _talking_ to one another — but Cassian worried that Azriel’s presence may bring forth uncomfortable memories of the rest of the IC to Nesta, neither having the best relationship, specially after that party at the Sidra in summer solstice.

Cassian could only hope and pray that the little progress he had seen Nesta go through in five months would not go down the drain.

“There are more females today” Azriel noted, taking Cassian out of his daydreaming.

“There are” he looked over the training ring, eyeing the small group of eleven Illyrian females.

It was the biggest number he’d ever had so far.

After the war with Hybern, the death of many Illyrians took its tool in the ranks. Although it was a reason for dissatisfaction to arise, it was surprising to see a number of females wanting to train. Many had lost fathers, brothers or lovers.

They had realised that nobody would protect them except themselves now, and slowly the number of females appearing had gotten bigger.

Some came and stayed only for a few self defence classes. Some were coming steadily for more than one session.

Cassian didn’t care if they wanted to be warriors or not. The fact that they were coming and wanted to learn was enough for him.

_“Baby steps Cassian”_ he thought, hope blooming on his chest for the first time in a long while as Devlon dismissed the group, for once having taught them with more attention.

Cassian suspected Azriel’s presence was a weight on the camp lord’s mind, and an undesirable reminder to try this time.

“I’ve to stop somewhere first before we go back” Cassian said to the shadowsinger, who watched Devlon leave the training ring without a glance in their direction.

Azriel only shrugged, not minding the delay at dinner and indicating that he’d accompany Cassian.

Not long after, both Illyrians were entering a clothier, the bell in the door chiming and announcing their presence.

“Look who decided to pay a visit”

“Now, did the oh so ruthless Emerie miss me?” Cassian smirked, leaning against the polished counter where Emerie was.

“It was not me who was left for two months alone in a cabin” she retorted, her brown eyes twinkling with wicked delight seeing Cassian’s shocked expression.

“You know—”

“Yes I know Nesta, she was here not so long ago for tea” the female answered, as if Nesta going out and having tea with Illyrians was nothing out of the ordinary.

“How—”

“If she did not tell you of our encounter, I don’t think I should be the one to explain the particulars of our meeting” Emerie cut him again, raising an eyebrow in question.

Cassian was baffled.

_“Since when had Nesta befriended Illyrans?”_ he thought to himself, having mixed feelings about it.

In one hand, he was happy she was putting herself out there, meeting people, living.

On the other hand, he felt a pang of jealousy and hurt go through his heart. Nesta had not told him any of that. Had not bothered to tell him of what she did on her spare time outside the morning and evenings trainings with him.

_“But did you give her a reason to trust you?”_ Cassian thought with regret _“Did you ask about her day? Did you tell her about yours?”_

Trust was an one way road. And Cassian had lost the map which would direct him to it.

He also had to put himself out there. He had to open himself to Nesta if he wanted to mend their already tethered relationship.

Cassian had to stop being afraid of hurting his heart again when he had already hurt hers.

And he realised that not even another heartbreak would be enough to keep himself away from Nesta.

“But I take you did not come here to chat with me” Emerie said, eyeing Azriel, who was looking at her with curiosity.

“Not this time. But do invite me for tea” he grinned, trying to gather his lost swagger “The weather is about to change. I would like to purchase some clothes before autumn ends”

“The usual?” she asked, returning her sharp gaze to Cassian’s face.

“Today is light shopping,” he answered, dropping some coins on the counter.

Azriel shot him a puzzled look, but Emerie understood him just fine.

She gathered some clothes, and Cassian noticed that she also placed small sized ones too.

Emerie no doubt knew about Kaelin.

And she knew that Cassian would not let the kid go through autumn and then winter with hand me downs and fixed clothes, no matter how good of a seamstress Nesta was.

If Azriel noticed the clothes, he didn’t let it show.

Cassian also thought his brother was too busy inspecting Emerie to noticed anything else.

It had surprised him too the first time.

A female with a will strong enough to fight to be the sole owner of a shop in a place like Illyria.

Emerie had a fire that reminded him of Nesta. No wonder both females had somehow found their way to each other.

“Oh, please put this too” Cassian said, and quickly grabbed a leather strap he had spied on one of the shelves.

“Have you lost another one? I swear, you go through this things as if they’re water” Emerie ruffed, placing it with the rest of the order.

“It’s not for me.”

“Thinking of gifting it to Nesta?” Azriel said with a chuckle “Tell her to braid her hair with it?”

“As if Cassian was stupid enough to gift it to a Lady to tie her hair with” Emerie snapped, and Cassian laughed at the shocked expression on Azriel’s face “He knows her better than you think he does.”

“Charming as ever Emerie” Cassian said, gathering his purchase and bidding the female goodbye.

This time, Cassian didn’t fail to notice how his brother’ shadows were agitated.

And how they kept trying to go back to the clothier.

~•~

Cassian stopped breathing. Stopped living altogether as he looked at Nesta.

Nesta, who was sitting on the couch, reading.

He didn’t even have a mind to say how she did not light the fireplace, not as he saw what she wearing.

Because Nesta Archeron was not wearing one of her usual dresses.

She was wearing the clothes Cassian had left in her drawer all those months ago, when she had first arrived at Illyria. Clothes he not seen her ever wearing.

Until today.

Cassian had seen Nesta wearing pants. Hell, he saw her almost everyday now wearing the leathers, and his reaction at their first training was not so different as to when he had seen her at the war.

He had to constantly remind himself to breath and think with his _upper_ head. To not make a fool out of himself.

But this time it was different.

Because Nesta was wearing leggings.

Mother’s tits, what had he been _thinking_ when he left those leggings in her drawer?

Nesta wore dark leggings and a burgundy sweater, a little big on her due to her still too thin figure, something Cassian hoped to change.

And her hair. Cauldron, her hair was not on its usual coronet, but a loose braid, a few strands of her light hair falling over her eyes.

Cassian wanted to brush them behind her pointed ear.

Wanted to kiss and mark her slim neck. Feel her pulse under her soft skin.

Wanted to cover her body with his wings and scream at Azriel to leave.

But he did none of that. He willed his body and his temper to behave, and cleared his throat, making Nesta look up from her book.

Even though he was sure she had been monitoring their every breaths as soon as they arrived at the cabin.

“Hello Ness, did you have a pleasant day?” he tried, wanting to test her mood.

“I was having one until someone decided to disturb it” she answered, but Cassian noticed she did not put so much bite in her words as she did when she truly was annoyed “And don’t call me that”

“Well, I come bearing presents” doing a mocking bow and bracing himself for the worst, he looked at Azriel.

The shadowsinger’ Siphons gleamed, and a brown package appeared on the small table in front of Nesta.

“What is that”

A memory of a conversation during Winter Solstice, outside among the snow, resurfaced, and Cassian quickly shut it down.

“Tell you and ruin the surprise?” Cassian faked outrage, placing a hand on his heart “As if I could do that. You will want it.”

_“I don’t want **anything** from you.”_

Cassian resisted the urge to close his eyes and scream in pain. Those words, that memory, kept appearing against his better wishes.

He had been an asshole.

Had regretted his words the moment they had left his mouth.

He had wanted to get a reaction from Nesta. Do it the way it usually was between them.

Blown being met by blown.

Fire against fire.

He had been stupid to think it would work.

Had been even more stupid to not apologise afterwards.

But this Nesta was not the Nesta from his memories. Was not the Nesta from a year ago.

He could only hope her reaction would be different.

“Are those… are those books?” Nesta asked, trying to hide her surprise as she opened it, reading the titles.

“I thought you would have gotten bored of reading the same books over and over again” Cassian said, hoping he didn’t sound as nervous as he thought he was.

“And they must be more interesting than my military books” he added, indicating the long forgotten book Nesta had been reading when he arrived.

Nesta only looked at him and slightly dipped her chin in gratitude.

Cassian wanted to dance in happiness at that.

“Good to know that now you have a personal delivery boy to get whatever I want” Nesta said, directing her words at Azriel.

“As if I would do it for free” he snorted “Cassian promised to cook my favorite dish in payment. He’s the errand guy.”

“He does seem to like to be bossed around” she commented innocently, and that earned her a rare grin from Azriel.

“He also requested children’s books” the shadowsinger eyed her figure and raised an eyebrow **“You two need a chaperone up here?”**

Cassian tensed, not knowing what to expect from Nesta.

“Are you looking for a new job? Playing spy getting too boring?” Nesta replied, also raising a perfect eyebrow mockingly.

“Perhaps” was all the shadowsinger said, and Cassian took that as a cue to get between them.

“They’re for Kaelin, I thought they’d be easier books to read for now than the ones we have here”

Cassian had asked Azriel to get some old myths books for Kaelin, nothing too childlike but also not too difficult for him. He hadn’t wanted to offend the kid by giving him something too easy, having seen his progress with Nesta.

“And who is that anyway?” Azriel asked.

“He’s our new roommate” Cassian joked, not failing to notice how Nesta had flinched slightly when Azriel had asked about Kaelin.

“Kaelin is too young to live like he had been living” Nesta declared, stiffening her spine “I took him in. And he’s going to stay here”

Azriel said nothing, his shadows seeming to catch something in Nesta’s voice, and his eyes softened.

“I’m sure he’s nothing but nice if he’s keeping up with Cassian” he attempted “I’d like to meet him”

Just then, they heard the door opening.

“Ah, there he is!” Cassian exclaimed, a smile appearing.

That smile, however, weakened as Kaelin came into view, quieter than usual.

And Cassian thought he’d have to be the one to wear that leather strap in the end.

For Kaelin’s hair — once a wild mess of curls, who constantly feel on his eyes — had been sloppily cut, no curl at view.

In fact, he looked nothing like Kaelin at all.

There was a tension in him that had not been there before, the young Illyrian brown eyes’ seeming to look bigger on his face now that they were not hidden by his bangs anymore.

And the short cropped hairstyle that Kaelin now displayed also made the fresh bruises on his face even more alarming.


	8. Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nesta faces some of her traumas from the War together with Cassian. Kaelin' situation, however, just keeps getting worse.

Cassian’s headache was going to kill him.

The past week had been exhausting. Azriel had left only a day ago, leaving Cassian with more work and more troubled thoughts regarding the advance of the rebels.

At least now he had something to occupy his time during his sleepless nights, preferring to work instead of simply staring at his bedroom’s wall until the first rays of sunrise appeared.

Cassian was also worried about Kaelin. The young Illyrian had dismissed Nesta’s worried look, simply stating that his hair had been bothering him and that a few bruises were common. He had only been unfortunate enough to receive most of the blows on his face.

Both Cassian and Azriel had confirmed Kaelin’s words, but he had caught Nesta whispering with the young Illyrian when they thought nobody was looking, and Cassian was starting to get worried that Kaelin was hiding something.

Nesta also occupied his thoughts. Now more than ever.

Although she had actually sided with Azriel, both messing with him non stop — Azriel’s dark humour having surprisingly matched perfectly with Nesta’s ironic one — Cassian would see how she sometimes appeared to be lost in thought, becoming a little quieter once in a while, no doubt with her mind busy with Kaelin.

Cassian had to discover what was happening. He had to make sure that Nesta’s rare and easy smiles — even the way her stormy blue eyes softened more than less nowadays — would not disappear. She deserved all the happiness in the world. As did Kaelin.

But first, he had to rid himself of the nasty headache that had been bothering him all day.

 _“Now I know why Azriel rubs his temple so often”_ Cassian thought as he made his way for the healers tents, rubbing his own temple in a vain attempt to ease the pounding inside his head.

As he walked further into the tent, the smell of different herbs assaulted him, and Cassian took a deep breath, an expecting scent he could not name laying a blanket of calmness over him, easing his pain.

“Somebody give me some salt! An evil spirit has arrived!” Cassian heard a familiar grumpy voice shout.

“I missed you too Esmée” he said, stopping near the table where the matron of the healers appeared to be making a complicate looking potion.

“Bah, missed me! You missed coming here and charming my healers to give you extra bandages to wrap your fists, that’s what happened” Esmée replied, snorting.

“You usually need to wrap your hands or else they’ll get hurt even more. Am I wrong ladies?” Cassian playfully said, winking at one of the healers, who blushed.

“Hurt hands!! As if!” Esmée indignantly exclaimed “You are one vain warrior who does it for the aesthetics in four out of five cases!”

“And stop flirting with my healers! You’re distracting them!” she added, hitting him on the head with the small wooden stick she used to grind the herbs.

Cassian gave a surprised yelp, earning giggles from the healers.

 _“Great, now I’ll have a pump in the morning along with a headache”_ he thought, massaging his head.

“Esmée” Cassian charmingly tried, giving the old female his best puppy eyes “ _Uyara_ of the healers”

“Flattery will not get you anywhere _kunumim_ ” she huffed, but Cassian could see her eyes shining with secret delight.

 _Uyara_ meant Lady, owner and even dominant in the Illyrian tong. And Cassian may use flattery, but he was no liar while doing it. Esmée was the best healer the Illyrians had. She knew secrets long lost, passed only from matron to matron of camp. And her abilities were just as legendary. She truly was the Lady of the Healers.

“This time I did not come here to ask for bandages” Cassian said “I was wondering if you had any herbs for headaches. Mine is killing me”

Esmée surprised Cassian by raising her hands and cupping his cheeks, bringing his face down so she could inspect it.

“You have dark shadows under your eyes. Your eyes are tired, and you are a little anaemic” the old healer’s voice got unusually soft, maternal concern lacing it “You work too much. Have you been having trouble sleeping _kunumim_?”

Cassian felt his chest tighten a bit at Esmée’s words.

It had been a long time since someone had noticed how tired he felt beneath his happy facade. Since someone had cared to stop and really _look_ at him.

Cassian loved his family. But even around them he felt the need to keep up the appearances.

He had to be the funny one. The one always there to make sure everyone was happy and comfortable.

Cassian sometimes wanted to scream. Wanted to cry and complain.

Wanted someone to hug him and let him slip his mask off.

Wanted someone who loved him enough to hear his troubles.

But Cassian could not afford to be selfish right now.

He had a camp to take care of.

“I’m fine _Uyara_ ” smiling weakly, Cassian gently took her hands off his face, squeezing them in reassurance.

Esmée clicked her tong in annoyance, her mean and grumpy attitude back in an instant, as if she was not worried at all about him.

“Lucky for you,” Esmée said, motioning for him to follow her to the back of the tent “we have recently made some painkiller tonics”

Her next words, however, got lost when Cassian smelled that calming scent again.

Closer now, he could clearly smell lavender and vanilla, a familiar scent.

And that’s when he saw her.

Nesta, an apron tied over her dark green dress, her sleeves pushed back — Cassian caught himself staring at her bare forearms and resisting the urge to run his fingertips softly against her milky skin — and brows knotted in concentration while she filled some vials.

“Nesta, grab two of those vials and pack them for this headstrong Commander”

At Esmée’s words, Nesta raised her head and looked in their direction, stormy blue eyes widening slightly when she spotted Cassian beside the healer.

_“So this is where she disappears to everyday after lunch”_

Nesta quickly recomposed herself, effortlessly filling the small glass flasks and placing them in a little pouch, Cassian not taking his eyes off of her for a single moment.

Esmée huffed in approval, but when Nesta tried to hand it to her, the healer refused it.

“You also need to rest. You think I did not see you dozing off? Or the way you were blinking heavily while mixing the herbs?”

Cassian’s attention peaked at that, and he noticed the shadows underneath Nesta’s eyes. They were faint, fainter than his, but they were still there.

“I’m fine Esmée” Nesta strongly argued, not backing off.

“You’re off duties until you’ve had some sleep and that’s final” the matron replied “What’s the problem with you two and not sleeping? It’s not as if you don’t have a bed”

And before they even knew what had happened, Esmée had ripped the apron from around Nesta’s waist, threw her coat and banned them from the tent.

“If that overexcited _pitanga_ appears I’ll let him know that you already left with the Commander” with this last warning, Esmée left them outside, both a little lost.

Nesta was the first one to recompose herself. She wore her coat and started walking back to the cabin, not waiting to see if Cassian was following her.

Which he obviously was, effortlessly catching up to her given his long strides.

“You seem to be very fond of walking” he tried, casting her a side glance.

“I have no wings” she snorted “How else am I supposed to get anywhere then?

“Is that an invitation to fly with me Ness?” Cassian said, half joking and half expectant of her answer.

He would not lie and say the opportunity to hold her close to him did not tempt him. And he would not lie further by saying he had not been dying to show her how beautiful Illyria could be from above.

“No” she swiftly cut his offer down, staring straight ahead.

“It’ll be fun” he tried again.

“What’s so fun about making someone sick?” Nesta snapped, and Cassian remembered the last time she had flown.

How Rhysand had purposely flew faster than she could possibly stomach, no doubt a petty move from his side.

“I would fly very slowly” he tentatively said “And not even that high”

Cassian only received silence in answer, but he could tell from the way Nesta was pursing her lips that she was tempted to say yes.

“It is faster this way” Cassian added.

“Fine,” Nesta finally answered, a hint of annoyance in her voice “but one smart trick from you and you’ll wake up with burnt eyebrows tomorrow”

“I wouldn’t dare and try to make Your Highness uncomfortable”

They stopped walking, Cassian hesitating to take the first step and embrace Nesta.

The same could not be said about her, however, who boldly got close to him.

“So? Are we going or not?”

“Eager aren’t we sweetheart” Cassian gathered her on his arms, Nesta lacing her own around his shoulders “If I knew you were so desperate to hold me I would have brought this ideia up sooner”

Before she could throw a barbed reply his way, Cassian opened his wings and shot to the sky, feeling Nesta tighten her hold and bury her head on his shoulder.

Siphons flashing, Cassian pulled a shield over them, the air that high up being colder, specially when autumn was nearing its end.

He may or may not have taken the opportunity to discreetly take a better look at Nesta.

At the way the few strands of her hair had escaped her braid, tickling his cheek as they were blew by the wind.

At the way she got braver and raised her head a little, her blue eyes the colour of the cloud free sky and sparkling with wonder.

“It’s beautiful” and Nesta’s voice was so soft, so full of wonder, that Cassian imagined if that was how she had been before the war. When she was human and all she wanted was to keep Elain happy and travel the world.

“It is”

But he was not looking at the view.

Was not looking at how the sun sparkled against the shiny peeks of the mountains, how the vast green forest beneath them looked like a gigantic carpet laid over Illyria.

Cassian was looking at the female on his arms, savouring every precious second of the moment and thanking the gods he had promised to fly slowly, just so he could hold Nesta longer.

Letting her go once they were back on the ground was one of the hardest things he had ever done, missing her warmth and her jasmine and vanilla scent as if he was missing one of his own limbs.

He hoped he affected her the same way she affected him.

Hoped she felt even a minuscule fragment of what he felt for her.

Hoped he had not misunderstood the way she too seemed to regret letting him go.

~•~

Cassian didn’t even have to take the medicine for his headache, that annoying pounding having disappeared mid flight.

Nesta Archeron, he decided, was the best medicine he could have.

And it seemed that luck was finally on his side, for when they had arrived and Cassian asked her if she’d like to eat something, Nesta surprisingly said yes, going as far as to put the kettle on the stove to boil some water for tea.

Feeling bashful and enjoying his luck, Cassian attempted to make some small talk with Nesta, asking her about her day, what she liked about learning to be a healer, what she thought about Esmée.

He had been scared she’d shut him out, but she answered his questions with no problem, asking him some in return.

Cassian’s day had started awful but seemed to be walking towards being the best he’d ever had, specially when he appeared in living room after a warm bath and spotted Nesta, once again sitting comfortably on the couch — one of her new books laid on her lap — hair in a simple braid and wearing that mouth watering leggings, combined with a white tunic that drew attention to her eyes.

The fireplace was, as usual, empty.

Cassian could not understand how Nesta managed to make do with only fur blankets, specially now that winter was fast approaching.

“The fireplace…. why don’t you like to light it?”

That caught Nesta’s attention, and he saw how she flinched.

Dangerous. It was a dangerous ground that he was walking on.

They had only talked about futilities so far. But to ask her something so personal, something he suspected was related to the war and her traumas…

He didn’t want to see her back to the dark and empty place she used to go when she had first arrived, eyes faraway and empty.

“You don’t have to answer that if you’re not comfortable, but I’m… worried” Cassian flapped his wings a little, an evident sign of his anxiousness “Winter in Illyria is ruthless”

“It was no different from when I was human” Nesta snapped, but her voice had a slight tremble to it.

“It is. And you… _we_ won’t be able to go through it if we don’t have a fire burning” he walked towards the sofa, daring to sit down beside Nesta, but holding himself back from touching her hand, which clutched the hardcover of the book “Even the wards and walls here are not enough to keep the cold away. Winter at Illyria won’t be like winter in the human land. Or in Velaris”

Nesta only stared and stared at the fireplace, as if it would light up any minute. After some time, she spoke, her voice almost a whisper.

“The sound that the fire makes…when it burns…it reminds me of bones” she shuddered “Of bones breaking”

Her father’s neck.

Maybe even his wings.

He hadn’t known.

Hadn’t known and last solstice she had stayed all night, without complaining about the noise. Without asking to diminish the fire or even make it soundless — Cassian knew that Rhysand, Amren or even Mor would be able to do it. But she had not asked to. Had not wanted to appear weak. To most probably not worry Feyre.

Nesta had been suffering all this time.

Alone.

“I… I have no magic. At least not any apart from the killing power every Illyrian has. So I’m not able to make the fire soundless”

“But you could do it” he added softly “If you lit the fire with your powers… I think you’d be able to turn the sound of the wood snapping off. The fire would be yours to tame. To control”

“You think it would work?” she asked, and Cassian felt a sliver of hope in her tone.

Control. It was all about control. And if Nesta felt like she was in control of the situation, she would be able to support a burning fireplace, sound or not.

“I think you are able to do whatever you wish to, but the first step is to try”

“Grab the wood then” Nesta said.

And Cassian did. He piled the wood neatly, and Nesta moved to stand in front of the fireplace, standing her hands in front of her.

“Just like we practiced” Cassian softly said, moving behind her, his front only a couple of inches from her back “Reach deep within you for it, and then redirect it to the wood”

He could picture Nesta knotting her eyebrows in concentration, and her silver flames soon appeared on her hands.

“Good, now project them towards the fire” Cassian’s voice took the tone he usually used during training, a way to ground her.

Nesta’s flames got brighter and with a little push of arms they flew towards the wood, burning it.

It started small, but soon the fire was roaring, the _crack crack_ of wood filling the air.

“Now turn it off Nesta”

“I-I can’t” she said, her whole body starting to tremble “I don’t know how”

“You can. And you will” he placed a hand on her lower back, like he had once done a lifetime ago in a war tent “You’re the one in control. The flames obey you and no else”

Nesta’s breath was coming in pants now, but the cracking of the fire gradually began to get quieter.

“Just like that Ness” he encouraged, daring to get a little closer, until his front almost touched her back “You’re doing amazing _xe nhia_ ”

With a grunt, the sound of the burning wood died out completely, and Nesta staggered back into Cassian’s chest, the flames around her fists also disappearing.

He held her against him, filled with awe and proud of her for meeting her fear head on.

Nesta straightened herself, turning to face Cassian, her blue-gray eyes shining with some hidden emotion.

“Thank you” she whispered, and Cassian swore he had never heard more precious words.

“It was all you” he shrugged “You don’t have to thank me sweetheart”

“I wouldn’t have tried it if it weren’t for you” she stubbornly replied “So accept my thanks and stop being so headstrong”

“Me? Headstrong?” Cassian chuckled, his arms tightening around her “Aren’t you talking about yourself Nessie?”

Nesta snorted, placing her hands on his chest and Cassian prayed to the gods that she wouldn’t notice how fast his heart was beating.

Being so close to Nesta did things to his heart.

And to other parts of him.

“Go make dinner you stupid bat” she said, pushing him away “Kaelin should be arriving, and I bet he’ll be starving after training”

As if on cue, the door opened and the Illyrian walked in.

“Hey…” Kaelin greeted weakly, and Cassian noticed fresh bruises on the kid’s face, the older ones barely healed.

“Kaelin!” Nesta exclaimed, practically running towards the young Illyrian “What happened?”

“Oh this is nothing” he shrugged, wincing slightly “Just lost at an one on one spar today”

“Kaelin…” Nesta tried to touch him, but the kid swiftly backed off, avoiding her.

Cassian saw the look of hurt flashing on Nesta’s face before she concealed it beneath a mask of coolness.

“I’ll just wash up and then help with dinner” saying that, Kaelin quickly left the room.

It seemed that Cassian’s luck could only go so far, for his worries about Kaelin seemed to have doubled.


	9. Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian and Nesta get a little closer, but his discovery regarding Kaelin makes him start to suspect that Nesta is hiding something from him.

Cassian had a plan. He’d sit down with Kaelin and have a male to male talk. He’d talk to him and understand what the hell was going on with the kid.

He’d catch Kaelin before he left for his training, they’d talk and after all was said Cassian was going to beat the shit out those who had dared to hurt the kid.

His plan was simple. Easy.

And it failed before he had even the chance to begin.

Cassian had woken up and got out of his bedroom to see the pillow and blankets on the sofa neatly arranged, Kaelin nowhere to be seen. Coursing, Cassian could only hope the kid had been at least smart enough to eat something before he had bolted from the cabin. It would not be good to have him fainting during training.

“It’s fine. There’s still the afternoon training” Cassian muttered to himself as he cooked breakfast for him and Nesta “I can talk to him then.”

Cassian tried to cheer up, thinking of the current situation as just a mere delay from his initial plan. He’d give Nesta the afternoon off — she had improved greatly since their first session, and he still was worried about what Esmée had said — and he’d be able to talk with Kaelin privately.

Cassian was placing the eggs and bacon on the table when Nesta arrived, already dressed in her training leathers and hair braided.

“ _Javy ju_ sweetheart” he said, sitting in front of her.

“It means ‘ _good morning’_ ” he added when he saw her furrow her brown in confusion.

“ _Javy ju”_ she answered tentatively, testing the pronunciation.

Cassian felt his blood heat and tried not to faint right then and there.

Mother and Cauldron both save him if Nesta ever learned to speak Illyrian.

He didn’t think his heart could take her speaking his native tongue.

They had a silently breakfast, Kaelin’s bubbly absence well felt.

Not that the kid had been bubbly the last few weeks. He was the exact opposite. Cassian saw how Kaelin would stay unusually quiet around them, even more reserved when they were training.

His previously curious attitude, his proactivity to get better and better with each new move and weapon seemed to have disappeared. He was holding himself back.

Neither Cassian or Nesta knew why.

The way Kaelin was pushing Nesta away was also something that weighted on Cassian’s mind. He knew their reading and writing classes still continued — he would often catch Kaelin seated at that same stone bench with a book and a piece of paper, practicing — but their friendship was not what it used to be.

And it pained him to see how Nesta tried to hide how it affected her. How she sometimes slipped back that mask of indifference, something she had stopped doing.

“Have you talked with Kaelin” Nesta suddenly said, dropping her fork with a clang on the table.

“I-“ Cassian cleared his throat, surprised by her outburst “I have not. I intended to do so before breakfast, but he had already left”

Nesta pursed her lips, the dimple in the corner of her mouth coming out. He must be crazy to think of angry Nesta as something other than scary, but right now he had to resist the urge to kiss her adorable dimple and smooth the wrinkles on her forehead.

“Something is not right. Maybe I should pass the training ring. See what is going on.”

“No” Cassian’s reply left his mouth before he could help himself, and he cringed when Nesta shoot him her murderous look.

“I don’t recall needing your permission”

“And you don’t” he quickly agreed with her “I’m sorry, I spoke out of place. What I meant is that it’d not be good to arrive and corner Kaelin like that. Specially in front of other males”

“I would not be cornering him” she snorted, but Cassian could tell how even she did not believe that.

“He’d feel obligated to talk and not ignore you, least he disrespect you in front of all of those idiot males” he gave Nesta a small smile “ Take the afternoon off to relax. Maybe go have tea with Emerie or just stay inside reading. I’ll call you when Kaelin arrives and I’ll make sure he listens to you”

Nesta reluctantly agreed with him, and Cassian mentally high-fived himself. It was not everyday when one won against Nesta Archeron.

But it appeared that the war was not over yet.

“I take you’re not going to rest today” she said quietly.

“Are you worried about me _xe nhia_?” Cassian teased, arching and eyebrow.

“You did not take the painkiller for your headache yesterday”

That single phrase would have made him fall on his knees if he was not already sitting.

“You think I do not see the light on in your room until the last hours of the night?Or the way you take two sometimes _three_ cups of dark coffee for breakfast? Or the piles and piles of reports Azriel dropped with you when he visited?” Nesta’s gray-blue were looking straight at Cassian, unblinking, analysing him as he analysed battle reports.

Probably taking in the dark shadows Esmée had mentioned.

Taking in the way his shoulders were a little dropped, his wings held a little lower.

“My headache was gone when we arrived yesterday, Nesta” Cassian assured her “And a vacation, albeit a short one, is nothing but a distant dream and privilege in my life”

“Is there anything I could do?” Nesta asked, and Cassian almost believed he could hear a hint of worry and desperation in her voice “Maybe some reports that I could help with or-”

Her next words were lost to him as Cassian tried to process the information that Nesta was offering help. Was offering to help _him_ , when he had done nothing to deserve it after the way he had left her alone all those months ago.

“Cassian?” Nesta’s voice brought him back to reality and he quickly answered her.

“I’ll go through my reports and hand you any that don’t require a deeper knowledge of Illyria”

“But I could give you some of my books, if you’d like to” he added, almost hopefully “To give you a better understanding of our culture”

“That would be good” Nesta said, and Cassian saw a spark of excitement flick quickly in her eyes, soon disappearing.

“Enough delaying of our training” he stated, standing up and placing their plates on the sink.

Cassian had just opened the side door which led to the outdoor patio when Nesta’s voice caught his attention again.

“Cassian”

“What is it?” he asked, eyeing her as she still stood near the kitchen chair, and he saw that dimple appear again when she pursed her lips, as if unsure of her question.

“ _Xe nhia_ ” she said, her melodic voice even more lovely when speaking Illyrian “What does it mean?”

_My heart. It means my heart._

_Because that’s what you are for me. You are my reason to live, to fight, to wish for a better world for my people. You are everything to me and I have been stupid enough to almost let you slip through my fingers._

_You’re my heart because I have already given mine to you and I cannot live if you don’t._

“It means you’re doing fifteen extra laps if you don’t get outside in two minutes” was all he said, walking outside.

Today was not the day to tell all that he wanted to.

He had not earned the right to.

Not yet.

~•~

Cassian waited.

And waited.

And then waited some more.

Kaelin did not appear for their afternoon training.

He was almost an hour and a half late, something rather unusual.

Kaelin was never late. Never.

Cassian did not like it one bit.

Deciding to go search for the kid, he entered the cabin to tell Nesta he’d be gone for a little while. He walked in the living room to find her at her usual spot on the couch, wearing fuzzy socks and the last clothes he’d bought her at Emerie’s.

Nesta had tried to pay him back for them — she had brought some money with her to Illyria — but Cassian had refused it vehemently. It was the bare minimum he could do.

“I’m going out to look for Kaelin” he said, and Nesta raised her head from the book she was currently reading.

It was a book about military strategy.

Cassian had always thought that Nesta’ sharp mind would be perfect for the role of a strategist, even more after the Hybern war.

He was glad to see she thought the same, taking the book and promptly starting to read it.

“Kaelin is not here?”Nesta quickly got up and he saw the flames in the fireplace get higher, a sign of her distress.

“Maybe he stayed talking with his friends after training and lost track of time” Cassian tried to ease her worries “Or they went do what boys at that age usually do. When I was younger—“

“Kaelin is not like that” Nesta snapped.

“He’s thirteen. You will never understand what goes through a thirteen year old boy, specially an Illyrian one” he raised an eyebrow in a mocking gesture, as if Nesta — being female — was oblivious to the inner workings of a boy nearing puberty.

“You know nothing about who Kaelin is. You don’t know—” she abruptly stopped talking, seeming to have realised what she was about to say.

“I don’t know what?” he inquired, getting closer to her.

“Forget it” she mumbled, looking away.

Cassian gently grabbed her chin, turning her head in his direction.

“He’s going to be alright _xe nhia_ ” he assured her “And when we come back you can hug and proceed to talk his ear off about his attitude. Is that okay?”

“You’d better start flying then, bat” Nesta said, and Cassian reluctantly left her, his heart hurting to leave her when she felt so anxious.

Cassian flew straight to the training pits, hoping to catch Kaelin there. All of them, however, were empty, not a single scent lingering there.

Grunting in frustration, he flew higher, hoping the upper view would get him a better searching range.

And that’s when he saw it. Almost in the forest, near Windhaven’s camp border.

He saw five winged figures.

Cassian didn’t think, he just flew as fast as he could, dropping between the trees to hide himself until he made sure it was Kaelin and not someone else.

He felt momentarily relief wash over him when he did spot Kaelin among the other four Illyrians in the clearing.

Yet that relief was short lived when he saw that Kaelin was being held by two of them while one hit him.

And Kaelin was not reacting.

Kaelin, who Cassian knew was strong, who was more than advance for his age, who had once tricked him and almost disarmed him during one sword lesson.

Kaelin, who took every blown silently, head held down.

Cassian could not take it. He could not stay there and simply do _nothing_.

His power sang, and he walked towards the clearing, the voices getting louder.

“Not so puffed up now, right orphan?” Cassian heard the forth Illyrian speak, standing beside the one who was punching Kaelin’s gut.

The four Illyrians must have been fifteen, maybe sixteen. Older than Kaelin. A bit stronger and definitely a group who held some kind of grudge against the younger Illyrian.

“Did you think that cutting your hair you would be more mainly?” the one who Cassian supposed was the leader kept on talking “Hair or no hair you’re no better than those lowly and weak females. Maybe you should start sewing clothes instead. Or moving to kitchen duty”

That made the others laugh, stopping Kaelin’s assault for a bit.

Still Kaelin did not react. Did not say a thing. Did not cry out in pain.

Cassian couldn’t believe his ears. Those boys were picking on Kaelin because he seemed _softer_? Because he was a bit smaller and thinner looking than the Illyrian standards for his age?

“But it’s no surprise you turned out no better than a weakling. Didn’t your weak mother die while giving birth to you?”

Silence.

“Didn’t your brainless father die following that bastard General in the last war? Turned to ashes while the General lived, called back safely by that High Fae?”

Cassian felt a roar on his ears.

Felt like puking his guts right then and there.

For the insult to Kaelin’s deceased mother.

For the knowledge that Kaelin’s father had been part of the aerial fleet killed by the Cauldron.

Kaelin had lost a father while Cassian had lived to broke every single promised he had ever made. Promised to protect the weak, to defend them.

“You’re a traitor” the leader snarled “Walking around with that High Fae who is no better than our lowest laundress”

“Shut up” a low sound came from Kalein’s body.

“What did you say?” the Illyrian grabbed Kalein’s hair, pulling it to make him look up.

“Shut up” Kaelin said, spitting blood.

Cassian knew he had to move, had to stop this madness, but something held him back. Held him and forced him to watch as Kaelin’s bloody and bruised face reacted for the first time.

“You _like_ her. You actually _care_ for the General’s bitch”

Cassian snarled at the insult directed at Nesta, Kalein struggling against his two captors.

“Shut up”

“You think you can protect her? You?” the group laughed again “Just because you displayed a little bit of Killing Power you think it changes something?”

_“He did what now?”_ Cassian thought, baffled.

The Killing Power usually started to manifest when they reached sixteen years old, with it growing until they were twenty-four, old enough to participate in the Blood Rite and earn their siphons.

For Kaelin to awaken his at such a young age was something uncommon. Cassian himself was more powerful than the usual Illyrian, needing seven siphons to control his killing power, but even he had started to display it only when he reached sixteen.

“When the plans are finally complete and Illyria is being ruled by its rightful leader you won’t be able to protect her”

“The General won’t go down easily” Kaelin snapped, and that earned him a solid punch in the stomach, which would have made him fall if not for his holders.

“He will be busy dealing with other camps to remember to look here. And when she’s dead-“

“Shut up!” Kalein screamed, getting hit again, this time in his face.

“When she’s dead,” the older Illyrian repeated “Nobody will be left to care for the weak and pitiful orphan who thought he could be a knight in shining armour”

“They’re all going to die” he added, a wicked smile on his face “That High Fae whore, the bastard Commander and even that foolish shopkeeper you insist on helping. They’re all—”

“I said SHUT UP!”

Cassian felt the change in the air the moment before Kaelin’s shout. Felt how even the wind seemed to pause to watch what was about to happen.

He only had a moment to place a shield around him when Kaelin exploded.

A wave of power threw his assailants two meters away, their bodies hitting the nearby trees so hard Cassian heard them crack.

That amount of power was not normal.

“You will not get near Nesta or Emerie” Kaelin snarled, appearing to be standing only due to sheer adrenaline, given his current state.

The ground started to shake, another wave of power hitting the Illyrians, pressing them against the trees.

That made Cassian react, his previous inability to move suddenly gone.

Kaelin obviously had no control over his Killing Power. He could end up actually _killing_ the others, and as much as Cassian though them deserving of it — specially after their confession to know about the rebellion — that would only further traumatise Kaelin.

“I think that’s enough now” Cassian announced, emerging into the clearing.

He could smell the fear that emanated from the four Illyrians.

It appeared that they were not so brave when facing with the real deal.

His arrival was enough to distract Kaelin, making him ease his hold against the group, that once found out they could move, promptly flew away in desperation.

Cassian made sure take note of every single face. He’d deal with them later.

Now he had to calm Kaelin down before he destroyed the whole place.

“Hey _pitanga_ ” Cassian greeted, as if it was a normal occurrence to him to meet bullies almost in the middle of nowhere.

Kalein only looked at him with big brown eyes full of fear, and he realised the kid must feel afraid of losing control again.

“You have to calm down kid” he took a step in Kaelin’s direction “You can’t go back this way. What would Nesta say when you explode the kitchen?”

The ground shook and Cassian felt the power rolling off Kaelin in uncontrollable waves.

“I don’t know how to turn it off” he desperately said “I didn’t want to hurt them, I–”

That made Cassian realise why Kaelin had not reacted to the beating.

If he had already lost control once during training, he must have been afraid of losing it again and hurting someone, hence the reason why he seemed so apathetic during training.

“I can help you” Cassian took another step forward “Take deep breaths with me”

He made a show of inhaling deeply, slowly letting it go afterwards.

Kaelin hesitantly imitated him, and with each breath he took Cassian took a step forward and felt Kaelin’s power going dormant again.

The moment that powerful wave stopped radiating from his body, Kaelin’s knees gave out, the adrenaline finally leaving his body.

“Easy _kunumim_ , easy” Cassian said kneeling beside him “You should have told me those idiots were bothering you”

“They threatened to hurt Nesta and Emerie if I told you” he breathed out, silent tears falling “Said they’d make you leave again and strike earlier”

“I would not have left you alone. Not again” Cassian assured him.

The kid just shook his head at that, and it hurt Cassian to see it. He had been shouldering so much, tormented by those threats.

“And what about your Killing Power? Why did you not tell me? Or Devlon? It’s rare to have this gift at such a young age”

“You don’t know. You don’t _understand_ ” Kaelin hiccuped “I can’t have this power. This would lead to questions and I can’t— they’ll discover that—”

His sobs got louder, and he just cried and cried, his words lost amidst his tears and shaky breath.

“Hey, it’s okay now. I’ve got you” Cassian hugged Kaelin like he once would have liked to be held, when he was a young orphan dying of hunger and cold, all alone in his piss poor tent.

He hugged him and let him cry it all out, saying that Kaelin was safe, that Nesta and Emerie were safe, that he’d not leave them, that nobody would ever hurt him again.

“Shh, _cecarûya a’e_ ” Cassian whispered, brushing Kaelin’s hair “You’re fine _gûarinim mirim_.”

He stayed with Kaelin until his sobs turned into whimpers who turned to slow breaths, the kid having cried himself to exhaustion.

And while Cassian flew back to Nesta with the young Illyrian on his arms, he was sure of two things:

The rebellion had progressed more then he’d initially suspected.

Kaelin had a secret.

A secret which threatened his life.

And a secret Cassian suspected Nesta was aware of.


	10. Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nesta worries over both Kaelin and Cassian, with some feelings regarding the Illyrian Commander being finally paid the proper attention.

Nesta had fallen asleep on the chair near her bed, where Kaelin was currently sleeping soundly. The same scene from a couple of months back, when she had just discovered that Kaelin was actually a girl, made chills run down her spine.

She didn’t like this situation. Didn’t like it at all.

Cassian had barged into the cabin with a bleeding and passed out Kaelin on his arms, making Nesta jump from her position on the couch, where she had been nervously waiting for them. She had ushered Cassian to place Kaelin in her room, trying to keep her voice low and calm as she asked what the hell had happened.

The menacing aura emanating from Cassian took her back to the memory of when she was human. Of when she had allowed him to get way too close to her. Had allowed him to scent and see the fear in her eyes at the reminder of tearing skirts and cries of help.

Had reminded her of how he had gone utterly still, the need to kill and inflict unbearable pain on the one who had hurt her.

She was not seeing Cassian, the laidback male who cooked for her, and hummed in the kitchen, or who gifted her and Kaelin thoughtful things.

No, she was seeing Cassian, General Commander of the Illyrian armies.

The Lord of Bloodshed.

But that did not frighten her. No, as it had been when she was human, she was not frightened  _ of  _ Cassian.

Nesta was frightened  _ for  _ those who would suffer the wrath of the 500 year old Illyrian, who had been compared with the great warrior god Enalius.

Cassian had left Kaelin in Nesta’s care, giving her a tight smile before leaving again.

Nesta had tended to Kaelin’s wound the best that she could, cleaning the dried blood on her face, but not daring to undress the young Illyrian of her bloodied leathers in fear that Cassian came back suddenly.

However, when Nesta was boiling some tea in hopes of easing her nerves and heard someone knocking on the door, she opened it not to find Cassian but Esmée, the healer matron with a basket full of vials and linens, a serious look on her face.

“That headstrong  _ kurumin  _ all but barged into my barrack, demanding that I rush here and see to that bubbly  _ pitanga _ ” Esmée had pursed her lips as she took in Kaelin’s appearance “Although he did not say how bad the poor thing looked”

Nesta had watched Esmée like a hawk as the healer applied some ointment to Kaelin’s cuts and bruises. Her Illyrian blood would heal her faster, but even the warrior race could be exposed to infections. That was a risk they were not going to take, especially after Cassian had told Nesta where he had found Kaelin.

She had tried not to think of the young girl being beaten in a remote area in the woods. Tried not to think of what would have happened had Cassian not arrived.

Had Kaelin’s killing power not been activated.

Too many thoughts run around Nesta’s mind. Too many variables having been added to the already messy situation.

And Nesta had also tried not to think of how Cassian had eyed her before he left. How while he had told her of Kaelin’s breakdown his hazel eyes had been searching her face for a spark of recognition.

Searching her face for a shadow of a secret shared between her and Kaelin, hidden deeply into her mind, behind the fortress of iron that surrounded it.

Cassian suspected something.

And it was only a matter of time before others started to suspect too.

Nesta was sure of it, especially when she had tensed while Esmée opened Kaelin’s leathers to examine her other bruises.

She had only eased when she noticed that Kaelin wore a thin tunic underneath it, also remembering the band she used to bind her chest.

As long as Esmée did not remove Kaelin’s tunic there was no danger of her secret being exposed.

“He broke one rib and another is seriously bruised” Esmée had informed, running her hands over Kaelin’s torso “And he will have some nasty marks on his stomach, probably due to the punches that broke them. He’s to rest for at least a week. If that good for nothing camp Lord says anything about it just tell the General to pay him a visit and  _ politely  _ convince him of sticking his opinions where the sun does not shine.” 

Nesta had fought back a smile at the healer’s words, walking her to the door and letting out a sigh of relief when she was gone.

Nesta rose from the chair with a loan groan, her whole body aching from sleeping in an awkward position. She turned her neck from side to side, hoping to ease the tension accumulated as she quietly closed her bedroom door and went to the kitchen. She had not eaten a single thing since Cassian had left to go search for Kaelin, the only thing in her stomach being the tea she had brewed before Esmée had arrived.

Looking at the clock on the wall, she furrowed her brows in confusion. Cassian should already have been up and about, being the early riser that he was. But now that she stopped to think about it, she had not heard him coming back yesterday night.

A cold dread settled in her stomach, and she fought the urge to tug at the thin thread hidden deep within herself, if only to be certain of his whereabouts.

“He’s fine Nesta'' she murmured to herself as she set the kettle on the stove “He can take care of himself. He’s not called the Lord of Bloodshed for nothing”

But that feeling of dread stayed with her, from the time it took for the water to boil to how long it took for Nesta to realize that she had been so far away in her thoughts that her eggs were burning.

“Oh fuck” she cursed out loud quickly turning the oven off and opening the kitchen’s window to disperse the smoke.

She was still cursing when a deep male voice came from behind her.

“Since when did Nesta Archeron know how to swear? Those are not appropriate words for a lady”

Nesta turned around to see Cassian leaning against the doorframe, an amused grin on his face.

“Should not a lady always aim to expand her vocabulary?” she inquired, arching an eyebrow.

That made Cassian laugh, a mischievous glint on his eyes that eased that feeling of dread in Nesta’ stomach.

“I didn’t see you arriving back yesterday” she nonchalantly said, placing the tea on the table and salving the less burnt pieces of eggs for her to eat.

The lack of an answer from Cassian told Nesta enough. He had not returned.

“Am I going to have to tie you to your damn bed?” she threatened “Esmée said you needed to rest”

“I would gladly let you tie me up sweetheart, although I would rather be the one tying  _ you _ ” Cassian’s voice dropped an octave, and Nesta had to fight back a blush.

“I am not joking you pervert” but her voice lacked the amount of spite she wanted it to have.

Cauldron, to picture Cassian touching her while she lay helpless, giving him full control over her…. Nesta was not one to let others take rein in any kind of situation, especially sex. But to have Cassian being the one in control…. making her go mad with his big and calloused hands, that deep voice saying sweet temptations and dirty promises in her ear… it was enough to make her toes curl.

His answering grin was enough to say he had noticed the change in her scent.

“Wound a bit tight these days Nessie?” he walked in her direction, and the need to taste him, to feel him against her skin….

How long had it been since she had last pleasured herself? She had not bedded a male since she had come to Windhaven, and even touching herself was a no go once Kaelin started living with them.

Cauldron, she had to stop thinking about that.

But the closer Cassian got, the stronger his scent was, that mix of eucalyptus and musk almost making Nesta groan in frustration.

“Get your head out of the gutter Cassian” she managed to say, not giving him the satisfaction of moving away from him, little to no distance between their bodies.

That infuriating smirk appeared again, as always making her blood boil, from either desire or anger at him she did not know.

However, upon close inspection, Nesta could notice how dark the shadows beneath his eyes were. How his hair was more messed up then usual and the lack of shaving more noticeable.

“As if I was going to take such an awful looking male to my bed” Nesta snorted.

“You need to rest Cassian, you cannot keep going like this” she added softly, and maybe the use of his name — something she rarely did — made him see that she was not joking. That she truly was worried about him.

“I am a warrior Ness, we are trained to go days into battle with barely enough sleep” he said, daring to grip her fingers tenderly.

“It does not mean you can punish yourself by not arriving to help Kaelin sooner” she pleaded with her eyes “ It was not your fault. And if you keep thinking like that you will have to blame me too.”

Cassian only squeezed her fingers once before letting go of her hand, a sad smile on his face.

“Eat something more than those burnt eggs or else you will faint. And remember that you have the week off to rest”

Nesta opened her mouth to retort that he should stop being such a headstrong brute and just fucking sleep but Cassian was gone before she could unleash her temper on him.

~•~

Kaelin was awake by the time Nesta had come back to her room.

And the young illyrian was smart enough to keep silent at Nesta’s murder glare.

“You, young lady, are grounded” Nesta declared as she sat on the chair, the picture of grace and calmness despite the blazing fire echoing in her veins.

She directed her powers towards the dying fireplace, silencing the flames with ease now. Nesta felt smug satisfaction at the fact that she was controlling her powers with more facility, although she still had troubles maintaining its constant flow during her training with Cassian.

“I am what” Kaelin croaked out, her throat probably sore after all she had cried and having not spoken for almost a day.

“Grounded. As in you messed up and so I am punishing you in an educational way” Nesta’s voice softened and she clasped Kaelin’s hand “It was very brave of you to shoulder everything alone in fear of putting me, Emerie and even Cassian in danger.”

Kaelin sat a little taller, no wonder feeling pride at Nesta’s words.

“However, it was also very stupid of you, even more given that your killing powers manifested and you thought it better to not tell a single soul about it” Nesta added seriously “And that’s why I think you are going to be one of the most fierce warriors in our history. The best of them tend to be the most reckless and self sacrificing.”

Cassian’s face came to her mind, remembering how he had lay his life for her more than once. How as much as he was intelligent he was also selfless. How he did not hesitate to put his family’s life first and before even his own.

And even though Nesta felt pride and awe at his attitude, she also felt fear for his life.

He walked too close to Death for her liking.

“Next time, do not feel afraid and trust me. Trust Cassian. I am sure he would have helped you, no questions asked” she gave Kaelin’s hand a reassuring squeeze “Do you understand?”

“Yes, ma’am” Kaelin answered, an embarrassing blush blooming on her cheeks.

When Nesta had made sure Kaelin had eaten all of the food piled on her plate — Nesta had only heated some pre-made food Cassian had already cooked, not wanting to repeat the burnt food event – she announced what the young illyrian grounding would be.

“No flying?!” Kaelin shouted.

“No flying”

“You can’t do that!” she argued, completely exasperated.

“Not only I can but I did exactly that. Esmée said you need one week of rest and that is what you are going to do” Kaeelin opened her mouth to protest but Nesta beat her to it “You almost broke two ribs, no way you are going to either be flying or training so soon. If that stupid Devlon says something he will have to deal with  _ me  _ and Cassian about it.”

“But…”

“No buts. After your one week of rest is up and you can go back to training you will walk there. No flying.”

“You want me to walk back and forth?!” Kaelin looked as if Nesta had just told her that goats could fly.

“No flying. For a month”

“A month?!”

“Want me to make it two?” Nesta inquired, fighting back a grin at Kaelin’s hopeless face.

“No” she grumbled back, and Nesta had never seen Kaelin look so much as a thirteen year old as now. 

Despite the fact that she was quite cheerful, the young girl usually portrayed a serious expression on training and their conversations, having matured earlier than most because of her need for survival. Nesta wanted Kaelin to be able to enjoy life to its fullest, without the constant fear of having her secret exposed.

She found herself wishing Kaelin could live normally as a girl and still be able to keep on training. But change took time, especially for a kind as old and traditional as the Illyrians and Fae.

“How about you show me your penmanship? You will have plenty of time to practice now” Nesta said, trying to distract her thoughts of the ‘what ifs’ of the future.

~•~

“What in the Cauldron are you doing?” Cassian asked, coming out of the kitchen.

“Preparing to sleep, as normal people usually do” Nesta answered, arranging the blankets on the couch. She could not possibly let Kaelin sleep anywhere but her bed given the kid’ state, although she had in vain tried to argue against Nesta’s decision.

“You are not sleeping on the damn couch” he argued, picking her pillow.

“Well, Kaelin is already passed out on the bed after I gave him the painkillers Esmée left, and no way I’m making him sleep here” she snapped, snatching back her pillow.

“My bed is perfectly available” he retorted “You sleep there and I will sleep here”

He tried to take the pillow from her but Nesta took a step back, snarling in his direction.

“Look at yourself Cassian! You haven’t had a proper night of sleep in weeks!! You sleep on your bed and I will sleep here!”

“Gods, you’re such a stubborn woman!! I may be just a lowly bastard but even I have some  _ decency  _ to not let a female sleep on the couch while I sleep on the bed!!”

“You are  _ not  _ sleeping on the couch” she repeated.

“Well,  _ you  _ are also not sleeping there so I guess the only option is for us to share a bed!” Cassian practically shouted back.

“Then I guess we will be sharing your bed then!” Nesta found herself agreeing, both to hers and Cassian’ surprise.

However, now there was no coming back. Nesta would not give Cassian the satisfaction of seeing her flustered over him.

So she grabbed her pillow and left the living room, walking towards his room and not looking back, hesitating only once she stopped in front of his bedroom’s door.

“You may open it” Cassian quietly said behind her, and Nesta tentatively turned the doorknob.

Shehad never entered Cassian’s room before. Not that it was that different in size from hers, but she supposed the decoration made all the difference.

Apart from a bed big enough to accomodate wings, what most surprised Nesta was Cassian’s shelf, which not only held weapons such as daggers and knives — she guessed there were even more weapons stashed somewhere in his drawer, armoire or under the bed — but a small private collection of books.

She had seen some books in the living room, and felt a tinge of shame to think those were the only ones Cassian had. Running her hand over the books’ spine, she could see they had been well read, and that Cassian took great care with them.

“Those are military books” he informed softly, his hazel eyes following her every move “You could say I am quite attached to them, that’s why they are here instead of on top of the living room’s fireplace.”

“This is not a military book” Nesta said in the same voice tone, taking one from its place and reading the title.

_ ‘King Arthur and His Knights of the Round Table’ _

“I would not have pegged you for a romance reader” she teased, recalling his own words from when she had first arrived at the House of Wind.

“It is not a romance” he argued “It is a story full of blood and fights and dangerous quests for gloves and—“

“And Guinevere is just a fish then?” Nesta inquired, returning the book to its rightful place.

Cassian’s only answer was a low grumble and Nesta could swear he was sulking because she was right.

“Just go to sleep and forget about this” Cassian said, awkwardly gesturing towards his bed.

Spine straight as a sword, Nesta pushed the covers back and fluffled her pillow before trying to get comfortable.

It was too much. Too much Cassian. Too much of that intoxicating scent that made her caged heart threaten to explode and pour out all that she felt for him into the open. She had no idea how she was going to be able to sleep, even more when she heard a rustling sound and saw Cassian drop his clothes in a chair, staying only in his undershorts.

“What do you think you are doing?” she exclaimed, a bit breathless as she eyed his tan and muscled torso, failing to hide how seeing him like that affected her.

“Would you rather have me sleeping nacked sweetheart? Because that is my type of sleeping garments” he winked at her, and Nesta wondered if she could suffocate him with her pillow.

“But for the sake of your poor nerves I will put on  _ proper  _ clothes  _ xe tatá _ ” he added, slipping on some cotton pants that hang so low on his hips that Nesta had to bite her tongue to not comment on the fact that it did nothing  _ to calm her poor nerves _ .

Cassian turned off the light. settling beside her on the bed and keeping a respectful distance from her side.

Nesta tightly closed her eyes and prayed to sleep come soon. Yet she kept tossing and turning around, not finding a comfortable position.

“I thought you wanted me to rest Ness” Cassian’s amused voice interrupted the silence.

“Well, it’s not my fault i cannot find a comfortable position and am feeling cold despite the lit fireplace” she turned in his direction, trying to find his face in the dark “Don’t you ever feel cold?”

“I am quite used to Illyria’s weather, and maybe living for so long in a piss poor tent outside made me immune to it” he said with a hint of sadness “You should have told me sooner that you were cold. Wait a minute”

Nesta’s eyes slowly got used to the dark and she could faintly see Cassian moving towards his wardrobe and returning with a huge fur blanket.

“Warmer?” he asked, tucking it so tenderly around her that her heart skipped a beat.

“Yes, but….”

“Still not comfortable?”

She felt her cheeks getting hot in embarrassment and thanked the gods Cassian could not see it because of the dark.

“Can I —” Cassian cleared his throat and Nesta felt him move a little in her direction.

“Yes'' she laid utterly still, not daring even to breath as Cassian moved and embraced her, his arm acting as a pillow for her head.

“It’s just body heat” he murmured, his breath hitting her forehead.

“Just body heat” she agreed, eyelids suddenly heavy with sleep.

“  _ Aundê aicô, xe nhia” _ Cassian whispered, Nesta’s soft breathing letting him know she was fast asleep.


	11. Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets finally come to light, while Nesta and Cassian confront their feelings after a night spent together.

Cassian woke up late. He was sure of that because of two factors:

One, the birds were chirping louder than when he usually woke up, the sun high in the sky given the sunlight entering the bedroom through the curtains.

And two, Nesta was fast asleep in his arms, her vanilla and lavender scent all around him.

He took his time watching her, as he did not know when he would have another opportunity.

Nesta looked younger like that, her face relaxed for once, mouth partially open as she slowly breathed. Their legs were intertwined, his free arm somehow having ended up in her hair, holding her close, as if during the night he had gotten afraid she would disappear.

Cassian had nightmares of that. Of waking up and finding her gone, snatched out of her bed once again in the middle of the night by his enemies and killed. He would wake up panting and reaching for a dagger he kept in his bedside table, his blood roaring at him to kill whoever had touched her, to find and protect Nesta.

It usually ended up with him pacing in front of her room for a few minutes, her steady heart beat easing his worries after a while. He would then return to his room and go over some reports from Rhysand and Azriel or look over some camp matters until the sun was rising.

Last night had to be the best night of sleep Cassian had had in the last two years. Maybe in all five hundred years of his life.

He signed, willing his thoughts to not go down that path. To not wonder too deeply about the reason why Nesta Archeron affected him like she did, since the first time he saw her at her father’s house when she was still human.

Willed them to not think how she seemed to fit so perfectly against his body, as if they had been made for each other.

To stop thinking how her bare skin would feel against his, her soft lips kissing his own.

To stop thinking of her running her hands over his body, pulling his hair.

The sounds she would make when he kissed her, properly this time, without death hovering above them.

If she was a screamer or a beggar or a talker and how it did not matter anyway because he would make sure to pleasure her until she was screaming his name, until she was begging him for more, until she was saying how good he felt and how none of those other males back in Velaris had given her a speck of what he was giving her.

How he would take care of her afterwards, how he would kiss her lazily and sweetly, and how he would not let her go for a long long time, satisfied to just stay holding her.

“That is nothing but a distant and impossible dream” he murmured, daring to gently run his fingers in her silky hair “I have to be grateful for what I have and do not desire for more.”

Cassian felt Nesta stirring in his arms, mentally cursing himself for waking her.

“ _ Javy ju _ ” she mumbled, her voice heavy with sleep, slowly blinking at him.

“ _ Javy ju, anahí _ ” he answered a little breathless, being hit straight in his stomach by the fact that she had remembered the Illyrian greeting.

Nesta was about to say something when Cassian felt her whole body froze, blue eyes widening as she looked at how close they were.

And that is when he felt it. His morning wood.

Cauldron that was embarrassing. If Nesta did not think lowly of him before —— he knew all those times she had called him a pervert or a bastard had been nothing but empty words — now she surely did.

He quickly withdrew his wings, Nesta squinting at him momentarily due to the sudden brightness.

But before Cassian could get up and put more distance between themselves, hoping to save some face, Nesta placed a hand firmly on his shoulder, keeping him still.

And she  _ smirked _ .

“Wound a bit tight these days? she said, throwing his words from yesterday back at him.

“You can not blame my body for reacting at you” he tried to sound as if he was teasing her, but his words came out softer and truer than he would like “Have you looked at yourself?”

“You mean my too thin and bony body?” she snorted, dismissing his words “You must be really desperate.”

If Nesta had said that to him months ago, he would have been inclined to agree with her statement — not that that would have stopped him from thinking her beautiful. His feelings towards the strong minded female were not purely physical attraction. It went beyond that.

“You can not be blind to not see how your body has changed since you started training and eating more regularly” he said “I still wish you would eat more, but you can not deny that you have gained muscles and some weight back”

“Are you calling me fat?” she asked, arching an eyebrow.

Cassian laughed at that. Nesta had a sense of humour that sometimes reminded him of Azriel.

“You fill your leathers much more now” he answered, the hand in her hair sliding along her arms “You have gained muscles here”

His hand travelled down her front slowly, making sure to avoid her breasts, although all he wanted was to finally know how they would feel beneath his touch.

“And here” he gently squeezed her waist.

“Cassian…”

“And here too” he added, fingers dancing along her leg where her nightgown had exposed some skin.

Nesta took a sharp intake of breath, her pupils dilatating

He was walking on thin ice, he knew that. His words at Nesta were nothing but desire and longing veiled by teasing he knew Nesta believed in.

Cassian had no one but himself to blame for that.

“So I am desirable because of my body?” her voice had a bitter tone, and Cassian quickly corrected her.

“You are desirable because of this, ” he touched her temple, moving then to lay his hand over her heart “and this”

“Lying will not get you anywhere bat” she turned her face and made to get up.

“I’m beyond lies right now, Nesta” he said, pulling her flush against him, gently grabbing her chin and tilting her face up.

Her gray-blue eyes seemed incredibly bright, looking straight at Cassian, as if she could see his very soul.

He did not hide from it. He met her stare head on, not daring even to blink.

“Why do you run from me?” his voice so low it was almost a whisper “Why do you hide yourself?”

“Why do  _ you  _ run from me?” and her voice carried so much hurt, so much feeling and rawness that Cassian knew she had let one of her iron walls fall “Why did you drop my hand that time? Why look for me only when I’m alone?”

Her words pierced his heart. He had not know. Had not known how much she was hurting, what she may have thought his actions appeared to be.

“Why do you bother so much when not even my own family cares for me?” she snapped, and for a split second Cassian thought Nesta was going to cry.

“Your sisters love you, Nesta” he said softly.

“I believe you made it abundantly clear last solstice I was unlovable”

_ “Your sisters love you. I can’t for the life of me understand why, but they do.” _

He flinched, cursing himself for his past actions.

“I have never regretted something as much as the moment those words left my mouth. I was rude and insensible,” he brushed her cheek with his thumb tentatively “ and none of those things I said were true. I hope someday you will forgive me.”

“I said some rude things to you too,” she whispered “Would you be able to forgive me?”

“I never took them to heart” Cassian gave her a watery smile “I knew it was a way for you to push me away and that you did not mean them sweetheart”

A lonely silent tear fell from Nesta. Cassian gathered her closer, and she buried her face in his neck.

“Hush now  _ xe nhia. Aan arevanque _ ”

They stayed like that, with Cassian running his hands through her hair and talking with her in Illyrian. She hadn't cried more than that single tear, but she trembled slightly sometimes.

“Nes...I have been meaning to tell you something”

“What is it?” she asked, looking up at him, her eyes shining with unshed tears.

“You don’t have to answer me or say anything at all, I just—”

“Cassian, out with it” she said, anxiousness lacing her every word.

“Since I met you I—”

But whatever he was going to say was interrupted by the sound of dishes falling and a curse coming from the kitchen.

“Kaelin,” Nesta said sighing “I better go see what he is doing when he should have been resting”

Cassian agreed with her, and a part of him was glad they had been interrupted. He still had much to make up to Nesta, his feelings would have to wait a little longer.

“What were you going to tell me?” 

“It was nothing” he gave her a reassuring smile “Go see Kaelin. I can tell you another time”

Nesta hesitated, but his kind eyes were enough to make her trust his words.

“Thank you” and with a quick kiss on his cheek she was gone.

Cassian was so stunned he had to pinch himself to make sure he had not fallen asleep again, staying in bed for a few minutes more until he could put himself together.

~•~

The clock’s ticking was the only sound in the room, neither Cassian or Kaelin talking.

Nesta had left after breakfast, saying Esmée had lifted her resting order to help the healer collect a rare flower that only blossomed every sixty years.

After reassuring her that he knew which medicine to give Kaelin in case the kid felt pain and that he would make sure he rested, Nesta left them promising to return as soon as possible.

Kaelin was a bit awkward around Cassian at first, probably embarrassed about crying in front of him. It bothered the General to the point that he lent his copy of  _ ‘King Arthur and His Knights of the Round Table’  _ to the young illyrian.

“This book is very precious to me,” he had told Kaelin “as it was the first I managed to finish once I learnt how to read”

Kaelin had taken the old book with the utmost care, and Cassian almost laughed when he saw how slowly the boy was turning the pages, almost afraid of damaging it. And with his attention fully on the book, Cassian could work on Kaelin’s solstice present without fearing it would be seen.

Because Cassian was working on expanding the old storage room near the birch.

He was designing a room for Kaelin to sleep. If the kid was to live with him and Nesta definitely  — or at least as long as he wanted to —  Cassian could not let him keep on sleeping on the sofa.

He had been working in secret to refashion the space. Had worked until dawn on it two nights ago when he had rescued Kaelin from the bullies. Maybe two weeks more only and it would be ready on it for the Winter Solstice.

Thinking about the birch made Cassian realise how sore he was, both from the training, working on the bedroom and the time spent hunched over the piece of paper drawing the room. A trip to the birch would help relax, which gave him an idea.

“Hey kid,” he called, catching Kaelin’s attention “I don’t know if Nesta told you, but we have a birch here. How about we go? It would have relax you”

It was a tradition for male Illyrians to go birching  —  be it with family or friends  — as a form of bonding.

And Cassian did want to get closer to Kaelin. He saw a lot of himself in the orphaned kid.

The young one, however, did not seem to find the ideia appealing at all.

“I — it would be an honour sir, I mean, Cassian, but I—” Kaelin blushed deeply while trying to politely refuse Cassian’s invitation, stammering and tripping over his words.

“You know what? Why don’t I go first and you get there after I’m done?” Cassian shrugged, seeing Kaelin sigh in relief.

It was a step too far it seemed. Maybe Kaelin was uncomfortable because they were not closer — although the objective  _ was  _ for them to get closer — maybe he is shy or maybe embarrassed because he is not as muscled as the other boys his age. Cauldron knew how much extra practice Cassian himself had done when he was younger, wanting to get as strong and muscled as Enalius, their warrior god.

He would have to work a little harder if he wanted to make Kaelin feel as comfortable with him as he was with Nesta. They were both males, so it should be easier for them to bond despite meeting the kid after Nesta.

“You can bond in other ways” he muttered to himself as he got dressed in his room, drying his hair.

It was then that he realised he had forgotten to leave Kaelin a second towel, in case his got too damp because of the heat in the birch.

Grabbing a towel he goes to the birch and opens it.

“Kaelin, I forgot to give—” he stops himself when he sees that Kaelin is naked, head thrown back against the wall, completely relaxed for once.

Yet all that easiness goes away once he hears Cassian’s voice.

“I’m sorry. Here’s your towel” stammering, he quickly leaves the white towel on the bench and closes the door, internally beating himself for forgetting to knock.

Kaelin had wanted to go alone and Cassian invaded the kid’s personal space and now he would hate him and—

Cassian stops in front of his room, thoughts finally catching up with his brain.

He remembers the ugly bruises along Kaelin’s ribs, their purple and green colour already fading to yellow and has to reboot his memory for a second.

He’s almost sure he saw boobs.

But boys don’t have boobs. He knows that.

And he could not possibly be confused because of the heat or the smoke inside the birch—

But he recalls how Nesta is so protective of Kaelin. How she almost seemed afraid for him to meet Azriel, how Kaelin had cried and said nobody could know he had activated his killing powers because they’d look too much into him.

And suddenly it clicked.

Kaelin was a girl.

~•~

Cassian was very close to having a mental breakdown.

Kaelin was a girl. A girl. As in boobs, periods and weird hormones.

And he had seen him —  _ her _ , naked.

Cauldron, he was knee deep in shit.

After walking in on Kaelin, Cassian had been unable to leave his room. He was sure she would want some time alone to process what had happened and that he now knew her secret.

Because Kaelin was a girl.

“Gods, where is Nesta when I need her?” he grumbled, running his hand on his hair.

Nesta knew it all along and was helping Kaelin hide it. It was a noble thing to do, but also so reckless. If the wrong person discovered it they could be  _ killed _ . He would not put it past the Illyrians to do that.

He had to talk with Kaelin. He had left her alone for long enough. If he did not talk with her now he would have to wait for when Nesta arrived, and that was a talk Kaelin did not have to be present.

It was a little past the time for lunch, so he had the perfect excuse to knock in Nesta’s bedroom and ask Kaelin to come out.

Except when he did that nobody answered.

Kaelin was not there.

“Fucking hell, not again” Cassian swore, quickly going out and getting airborne.

Kaelin was still hurt so she would not be able to fly. He had a chance to catch up with her given that she was walking.

And to his luck he found her not far from his cabin.

But she was not alone.

“Are you sure you are a boy? Look how skinny you are”

“I am a late bloomer” she answered an older Illryan, making him and the other one beside him laugh.

“ _ Late bloome _ r? That is girl talk, ain’t I right  Bjerke?” 

“Take off your shirt, boy. Show us those muscles” the male,  Bjerke, said.

“ Thank you, but no. I have to go” Kaelin tried to go past them, but was held back by Bjerke.

“Here  Falk, hold this thing while I help our friend”

As Cassian got closer, he realised Kaelin was holding his book, which was teared from her grasp by Bjerke, who started trying to undress her.

Blood roaring in his ears, Cassian dropped in front of them, his siphons flashing.

“Let. Go. Of. Him” he gritted out, and the males froze.

In front of them stood the General Commander of the Illyrian armies.

The Lord of Bloodshed.

And he was not happy.

“We were just talking with him” Falk said, his voice hinting at his fear.

“He said no” Cassian growled, seeing Kaelin’s clothes messed up.

All Cassian could see was Kaelin's scared face and remember when Nesta had hinted about being attacked when she was human.

He still wanted to know who that piece of shit was.

Would take his sweet time making him suffer for what he did.

“I think it’s best that you go” he snapped, and Bjerke let go of Kaelin, taking a step back “If I hear you were bothering someone else again  — be it male or female — you will want to have never been born. Are we understood?”

Both males assured Cassian it would not happen again, and were airborne within minutes.

Kaelin straightened her clothes, grabbing the fallen book and dusting off its cover.

She still refused to look at Cassian.

“What am I going to do with you kid?” he sighed “Nesta will kill me once she discovers I let you out of my sight.”

That caught the young girl’s attention. She finally glanced his way, searching Cassian’s face for something, anything that would give away that he was angry with her or that he was going to expose her secret to someone.

She found nothing.

“I… I am sorry I lost lunch” she mumbled.

“Good thing I have not eaten yet” giving her a reassuring smile, he ruffled her short hair “Let’s go home and eat before Nesta arrives and kill us both.”

“Yeah. Let’s go home” Kaelin answered, and it seemed a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.


End file.
